it's time to say adieu (x3) to this blog and move on like i must move on with my life. to all who read my small fonts and monstrous rantings, thank you dear dear yous. ciao!
Friday, October 21, 2005 11:07 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

change of blog address

Friday, October 21, 2005 11:07 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

the mundanest of the mundane.
things went sorta well today. I watched Night at the Roxbury, another Kenneth Tham recommended show. He says it reminds him of his brother and him. If that is so, then i'm the credit card phone vixen :) and we'll all bob our heads sideways to "What is Love". Whilst watching, i baked myself a steak and cheese pizza. Now, as a blog surf through my friend's rantings and check my amazon account and blog (duh), i listen to Bean's latest gmail-sent-song: An instrumental piece from Angela's Ashes, good for rainy days, which compliments perfectly the non-stop rain we have in Orange County.

I also read through the older entries. It's amazing how not too long ago, i was still in New York, enjoying an afternoon at starbucks, when it leaked free internet access. Not too long ago, i was playing more than i should have although it was finals week. Not too long ago, i stopped my food-journal idea coz it only made me eat more. Not too long ago, i sent kenneth off at the airport of LA, and i couldnt cry, then i cried a whole lot for days after. blabber blubber.
Monday, October 17, 2005 06:16 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

-
this is my life. i do whatever the fuck i want. and i say whatever the fuck i wish. we're all going to die anyway. why cant you do as you wish?

threw pillows on my wall today. kicking and screaming silently. I liked it. I was angry, at myself, at my dad, at myself, mostly myself.
I lied, belly down on my bed, which is wrapped by a red sheet. I imagined myself being consumed by red fire from toe to head, like how i let my thoughts consume me like crazy forest fire flames.
I looked at the mess in my luggage bag, which serves as my wardrobe. Couldnt find anything to wear. And god was i pissed. I tossed my clothes around. But they all looked the same to me, just cloth of varying textures and colours. I felt the material on my skin, and that was all i saw: the texture i felt. I only wanted to mess my clothes up even more. Why do i even bother to tidy it up and fold them nicely? I ran away from the horrid luggage bag.
The computer. the 300 nec notebook. I once smiled with glee when i saw it. Now i look at the "cool" lcd screen, and i started to frown. It didnt make me feel better. WHat the fck am i going to do to feel better?
It's 20 minutes to work, i have to drive there, but i feel like i dont want to care. "you're late! You're late. you better go and bathe!" Fuck you.
Why dont i care about other things except myself? Well i dont know yet. Are people happier if they care about other people dearly? Maybe. But maybe they're just displacing their feelings on others, to make themselves feel better.
no pain no hurt.
Sunday, October 16, 2005 12:30 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

notebook of thoughts
i'm going to copyright this name, pussfied. and if this name somehow becomes popular and widely used, i'll share my profits with the rest of 74.oh 74 i miss 74. how the heck are you guys?!!

While sweeping the kitchen floor at Mr Sandwich, I moved the pail of mayonaise away so i could sweep under it, and in all it's white-ness,I somehow thought of the notion of racial purity. I actually liked the idea that everyone was homogenously same in the blood. And that mixing blood would spoil this same-ness. what a terrible thing though, to be attracted to such ideas.

I've told myself repeated to not feel funny if a cute person comes into the store. GOd knows how i act in front of him/her. I hope i dont appear too odd. I always wonder why some customers give me tips and some dont. And I cross my fingers in hope that it's not coz they feel weird around me, because i might subconsciously be acting uncomfortable as well.

Went to visit pao fa temple today, right by my work place. It's run by nuns! The first temple i've been to that's run my nuns. Couldnt figure out why there were no monks! WAs it a religious thing? My dad then explained, that procreation would take place if u put nuns and monks under one roof! "NO they wont!"I said. But hmmm.

Back to my thoughts at work. Do i think of the mundanest things?? On a sunny monday morning, i cleaned the bird crap off the outside tables. Then i rinsed the cloth in the bucket with soap and water, and spread the bird crap onto other tables that i "cleaned" next. You see, wouldnt you too wonder how much bird crap was actually removed by rinsing in a container? Even if it fell off the cloth, it would still be swimming in the water, in smaller particles, and probably will attach itself back onto the cloth right? SOmehow, i think physics will prove me wrong. but ...
that's why i hate cleaning the dust off my ceiling fans back home. It's dirty up there.. ;)

My oh so very quiet seller, a university student, was so passive during our conversation on the phone. I wanted to hit him with a hammer, only literally. arggggg Decide dammit you hum ji nene, dont be like me. :/

My hands smell like the sandwich store. Jordan said i smelled like sandwich yesterday. how sandwichy do i actually smell!???

My dad is cursing behind me. curse curse curse curse curse curse. not me of course. He's bitching about someone else. My dad is a kind person, but he doesnt know how to be a husband, or to be a woman's man, oh no, down right no. unlucky to be a wife of such a person. Lucky if ur something else! :) my dad has very strong opinions on what is normal in this society, what is evil, and what will surely die. just makes it harder to converse with him.

But then, what do we look for in a conversation? Instant gratification, easy flow, no akward silences? Sometimes, i think, a conversation needs to be bad, or difficult, not always pleasing to the mind or ear.

ladidah. i have to memorize origins, insertions and action, but i can only think of going to the beach and having pizza, and extremely minty ice cream. twiddles.

pianist sountrack was on my car stereo today. lovelily.
Sunday, October 9, 2005 06:15 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

more often than i'd like to admit
I am more often that not, delirious with certainty and certainty alone.

So try not to surprise me. And dont expect me to do something exciting. My neurons are dead.

I like easy. I need to see the beach. Or maybe I need to look at my work as the nice nice relaxing beach.
Friday, September 30, 2005 12:54 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

What makes me happy? In stressful times, certainty makes me DELIRIUS. So this entry will be dedicated the joyful glad tiding called certainty.

I am, quite certain i cannot have a family because i am too selfish. Most of the time, I consider it family bonding sessions a wasteful event.

which means, i shouldnt have kids and think about marriage! My strong will to have someone to love is to practically feed my own insatiable greed.

I just learnt what flexion means.

i am so goddamn tired.

a bus of senior americans got gased in an evacuation bus this morning (by accident).

I still dont understand why my sister in law says she loves me when she doesnt even know me at all, and when i act like the meanest biache to her husband.

I like to show people my wrath, especially when they refuse to see it.

I just want to sleep.

I like people who are not like me and can make me laugh because I dont know how to be less serious on my own. Probably why my good friends are not the guaiest of the lot

There are times, i feel constrained writing here. But today, i feel liberated writing here because this feels like home.

I like to say knnbccb, especially here in america.

Oh well, tiring day.
Saturday, September 24, 2005 01:55 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

art makes me depressed.
It seems like all i can talk about are my own experiences. I know what this blog lacks. It lacks events where i interact with people. This is such an inward ranting palace. Perhaps i like confined spaces. Slowly, i am drawing away from the world. I dont even want to pick up the phone. TOday, I talked to no one besides my dad. See,even paternal love wouldnt keep one sane. I was going nuts. WOrrying and frowning as i read my Marieb text. Connective tissues, Cartillage, í finally know the difference, but three quarts of my day, i dont know what else i learnt. I know i just frowned and frowned and frowned. My roommates invited guests into the house, and it scared me. I didnt want to go out, didnt want them to see me, terrible looking me, sulking me, lifeles limp flattened me. I wore a jacket under the blazing sun. I was cold. And then i was hot and i got pissed off wearing that jacket. It was a very, unstable day. I like being sick, i have cramps you see, it makes me very lifeless and unenthusiatic and quiet, and that is not bad coz sometimes i talk too much trash. But the devoid of energy made me feel extremely useless. WHen ýour sick, dont you wish other things went your way? Well i did. But coz I couldnt do much, I began wondering about the things i have to fix in my life. Too much to fix, and inability to get up and start fixing, is a terrible feeling. You'll feel like you're doomed. What a hopelessly bleak day. and it is ending. The wretchedness doesnt seem to be clearing away. It seems like it will drag till tmr, but i know tmr, i wont even remember how bad i feel today. And life goes on, this way. Such cycles repeat themselves over again, like a persistant video player taping my life. I wonder how people can look so happy when they have such low moments such as those. But this is a cycle and i cant wait for it to happen.
Monday, September 12, 2005 11:55 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

puzzling ordeal
how do you make friends in class? I dont understand how. really. And I always think, why would people want to talk to me in the first place. I havent learnt. ughhhhhhhh.
Thursday, September 8, 2005 01:22 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

"who can make straight what he had made crooked?"- Ecclesiastes 7.6
Saturday, September 3, 2005 12:46 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

this funny thing called god.
the fear was griping me by the neck so strongly, it could have snapped my hyoid this morning. I went to that wretched DMV office once more and redid the whole process of applying for a driving permit. Luckily I passed, with a perfect score. THank god. Not another trip there, fearing I would fail my written test again. I wonder why it's so hard for me. Yes, that sounds vaguely familiar to questioning God. But ....

My dad said it was all his plan. I didnt know what to think. If I protested against it, would I have felt any better? No. In fact, It made me fear, his wrath. But if I agreed, understanding GOd's rationale would be impossible. I think I should stop wondering why he makes Xs and Ys happen, because I simply cannot. Religion is a strange thing. Perhaps it is the fashion statement of the centuries of late. I wish I knew. But I wish to get my driver's license even more.
Friday, September 2, 2005 05:36 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

The Yellow Wallpaper by Gilman.
"I wasn't alone a bit! As soon as it was moonlight and that poor thing began to crawl and shake the pattern, I got up and ran to help her.

I pulled and she shook, I shook and she pulled, and before morning we had peeled off yards of that paper.

"What is the matter?" he cried. "For God's sake, what are you doing! "

I kept on creeping just the same, but I looked at him over my shoulder.

"I've got out at last," said I, "in spite of you and Jane. And I've pulled off most of the paper, so you can't put me back!"

Now why should that man have fainted? But he did, and right across my path by the wall, so that I had to creep over him every time!"

...
this story left me frowning with worry towards the end.Maybe it's my stereotype of normal societal behavior that made me cringe though. She was driven to insanity, to the extent that she saw imagines of creeping women, she gnawed on her bed, and tied herself to a rope. Is that normal? Perhaps not. But is her wish to be allowed to do the things she wants to do with less societal restriction, normal? Well i guess most definitely yes. I search for any semblance between me and her, just in case, I am behaving unconsciously strangely. And it makes me wonder what would drive me to such degrees of madness. THe story is short and easily available online for free. Highly recommend it!
Le tired.... 2.50am. time to sleeP!
Saturday, August 27, 2005 05:41 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Janice has moved!
you're just too good to be true. cant take my eyes of you. In my own tiny apartment now, thanks to Ryan, who rented a room to moi! ole. :) and i'm listening to Roy's mix. I cant believe he did all that. so proud of him!

Is it obvious that i'm in a good mood today? I finally have a good internet connection in my house, after soo0 and tooo long.

Yes my papa is still in america with me, living the college life, and helping me make my life more comfortable. Hé seemed to have found a new job as Miss Lee's personal assistant. I dont mean to be haughty. It is more like an acknowledgment to his uncountable contributions. He is all out to make my life better in America. ANd i finally realize that no one would bother to do such a thing for you beside your parents (assuming one doesnt get the other kind of parents.)

And if my friends in singapore are mugging their butts off, i think i soon shall be too. Human Anatomy is scaring me. All those unfamiliar bones parts are freaking me out. Femur, Radius, Clavicle are just the basic parts. In each bone there are subsections with numerous names too. I cant name them all off hand right now. Thankfully my anatomy teacher is terrific. Actually, all my teachers this semester look really cool. CHallenging, but not to the extent of unfair nor negligent. I like the way American Teachers teach, more than the way Singaporeans teach. They seem more flexible, and although some young american are really stupid and ignorant,i'm quite positive a whole lot of them come out of their frog-in-the-well states and become really knowlegable in their field, so much so they are as competant as their asian counterparts.


I dreamt of kenneth yesterday. It was an erm bleepingly lustful dream. haha. :)
Thursday, August 25, 2005 02:19 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

alone.
To my dear you:
Do you love me or love me not?
You smile so slyly, ur face contorts.
You speak of unconditioned kindness,
but there is none.
A burning bitch, sleeps behind your front.

Let me nestle in your arms someone.I need relieve from belonging to nowhere. My house is as big as the oceans, and empty as an abyss. No one lives in it, but papier-mache faces,that can burn into irrecoverable ash. What is a home, was one essay my friend had to write about. A home was somewhere people wanted to belong together was his definition. If i go by that, then i am homeless, here in this big big land. It seems like there is not much difference from the begger on the street and me. We are basically unwanted nobodies. And without my dad supporting me, i would be just like them. I would recieve stares from passing people. I would drag a stolen trolley cart full with my worthless belongings. I would smell of grim dirt and yesterday's sour sweat. I would even start hating this world and the people in it.


I woke up to anger. And i consorted to eating for relieve. Too soon did i finish all of yesterday's left overs: cold baked ziti. I was stunned with unbelief, as my mind started acknowledging the truths in tiny doses, with the passing of time. The dimness of the 4 oclock sky transitioned into the usual foggy and dull LA morning. I watched the colours move from black to grey, but that wasnt enough time for me to swallow the truth. Anger leads to hate? Sure....

But i've felt this hate before. i've felt this strong urge to deal with the matter there and then. And i wonder how long am i going to feel like it's the end of the world.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005 03:30 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

tewfkjlsihdegidiusfdiuhwrkfgb....(that mean pissed)
ever felt like throwing a laptop at someone lately? I did. Ever got involved in a screaming match recently? i did too. ole. I guess such events are seasonal, like mangos and melons? No, i didnt have the great urge to win any debate whatsoever. The dragon and the tiger simply loved to communicate that way. We like to talk, so aggresively towards each other, my dad and i. the trick to not turn our conversations into fights is to simply except that he sounded like a madman when trying to bring across a point, and so did i. Yesterday, my german friend wore a shirt tattooed with dragons and tigers fighting with each other. What a cool shirt! It was the epitome of my mom and dad, or me And my dad.

"who do you think would win? the dragon or the tiger?" I asked him.
He smiled, his goofy smile as he pondered. Then my korean friend interceded by saying," my friend has a tatoo on his chest of a dragon and a tiger fighting. The dragon was winning."

Now if i had that temporarily tattooed on my body, japanese style, that would be really cool. Okay i'm getting pissed off right now, again... coz i'm talking him. argggg.well i wonder why recently i've been having very violent images playing in my head whenever i get angry. It must be the influence of my dear angry friends. ahem ahem. :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2005 07:09 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

so come and geddit
had a rather interesting evening yesterday. So many nostalgic things happened, like listening to Limpbizkit in the old gay Volkswagen, windows and sun roof open, traveling at 150km/hr. I always wanted to blast Limp on the freeway in sec3, when i enjoyed Limp as much as COldplay. Back then, i could only go crazy with Limp in my dining room while studying for the end of year exams at 3am in the morning and feeling like the predawn darkness and quietness will never end. Never planned on fulfilling that sec 3 wish. Yet it happened.SO ydae,i experienced, once again, one of many life's truths: how things just happen for pple when they dont expect it. And when they try, they dont get what they want.

Went to eat at the Hyatt yesterday with Jordan and my dad. It was funny.Didnt even have to start any conversations. Luckily my dad had too much questions on america to ask jordan to let our lunch go cold silent.

Later Jordan treated me to an baseball match at the Angels stadium. The angels were playing against the yankees. Being from SO cal, i supported the angels! I like baseball. It's relaxingly slow for the audience. Good for slow people like me. And i could understand the sport. We ate hotdogs, something which i found so darn american. I also sat in good seats. So my trip to the open air stadium wasnt as uncomfortable as those trips to the national stadium or padang: Hot, stuffy,formal. Everyone could walk around whenever and whereever in the stadium. There was a restaurant too where pple ate while they watched. It was just a whole new atmosphere. I think i'd like going to such matches once in a while,especially after a whole nerve wracking week in skl or work. During breaks (after every inning),hot girls would walk on the edges of the baseball fields, and shoot shirts and soft baseball souveniers into the air, so they landed onto the spectator stand. In my mind, i was trying to figure out why the coordinators of the event chose guys over girls. thoughts thoughts thoughts. sometimes thoughts can kill.
Friday, July 22, 2005 06:07 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Miao.
So i've added two new pple into my blog links. They are the notorious michelle, and mandy candy. They are two lovely ladies, both hot in different ways : )

I'm in school, rotting. Man, when i go work outside, i wont have the chance to just chill in skl. okay check out their blogs, to anyone who reads this!
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 03:52 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

is there any good reason for letting you go?
that title is from the song "i'll never let you go" by third eye blind. Later in the song, the bridge chants "and your love is like a sunburn i have got to say, it's like a sun burn."

i'd like to say THANK YOU to the pple who have greeted me. thanks for remembering my birthday, especially when i didnt even greet you!

Enjoying a singapore weather evening in Northridge again. I talked to stef and she said she was here last weekend. what a coincidence. Anyway, my boyfriend sent me lingerie for my birthday, and alot of other things, like the most unartistic chicken scratchings compiled into one book, written fresh from his lodgings at Officer Cleaning School. I am most agreeable to his taste, save for one of them. Love his exquisite presents.


Saturday, July 16, 2005 09:28 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

i'm going for the coldplay concert.
Like anyone would be, i am flattered by your fascination with me. Like any hot blooded woman, i have always wanted an object to crave.--It maintains that despite having someone far away who loves you, it is very very tempting to have someone near you who you would love for love itself and all the feelings it brings.


Yesterday i called jordan, after months of not talking to each other (coz i was on holiday and hp-less). We finally found a pet donor (my aunt. hah) and she's going to give us one of her chihuahuas! Jordan sounded all affectionate when he heard that he could have a small dog for free. haha jordan... Oh well, he was raised in a farm... THrough the trip, i began to understand more why Jordan desired to live in the farm. I used to wince at his dream of living in a farm with many animals and one pig in the house(how derrogatory of me. how small minded too). The trip has really opened my mind and allowed me to see multifaceted sides to this "land of the free and home of the brave". There's are so many side of america we asians dont really see, if we just base our impressions on the american tv serieses we watch. I'm not going to philosophize about what america is or not coz i dont know enough myself. Just glad i know a little twittle bit more. :)

Staying near Northridge in California right now.In the two days i've been up here, my aunt took me to visit the Pepperdine, CSnorthridge and UCLA campus; and also Malibu beach, where alot of starspottin goes on. My aunt's son was teaching me guitar for last two days. I didnt expect guitar playing to be so hard. Why do we have to press the strings so hard!!?!! haha. i have so much more respect for guitar playas right now.

School starts next week! School beginning reminds me of how school ended for me last semester. I tried to drink off a beer bong; got slightly drunk at 11am in the morning, then cycle to Boomers and tried to get free tokens at the arcade and batting cages again . What a nice way to commemorate the end of skl, by behaving irresponsibly.

Once again, i reiterate that i develop very slowly. My new favourite shows are Viva La Bam, Ali G indahouse, and the Andy Milonakis show. tralala. I understand that these are very retarded shows, but erm i guess, RetaRdeD is in season right now, in janice's world. Oh yes, and i thank adele pillai for introducing me to the L word. What a nice tv series. (plot kinda bores me at the end. so typical of a tv series) But i like it because the girls all look so good in the show and yes guess what else. lol. It's true. It sells!
Monday, July 4, 2005 07:14 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

some of the truth
If i could paint myself right now, it would be a picture of a biache.
If there was one thing i wore, it would be a mask.
If there was one word to describe how i am right now, it would be Selfish.
If there was one thing i wanted now, it would be scissors to cut that umbillical cord that attaches me from my mom and the family.
Yes, i guess somethings dont change. I told my sister in law's family they make me want to be a better person in the beginning of the year. Now i take it back. I dont want to live up to it just because i said so. I dont feel that way anymore. Just snip snip snip. I understand that being detached from doesnt mean i would be rid of my problems. I need more privacy, to be who i want to be. hah. I dont like to feel like i have to be resposible because they EXPECT me to be bloody responsible. I DONT want to be a good girl just because i have to be courteous. I dont want to be trained to be almost perfect because i am not. Is this resignation? I am tired. Is this laziness? Is this greed? Seems like it. Is it giving up? Perhaps. I dont fucking know. Maybe because i dont want to. Is there any medicine that can cure me. No. Species like me die in this process called evolution coz we're so fucking lazy. That's why adopting is good. And perhaps marriage shouldnt be an option at all.
Saturday, June 11, 2005 04:51 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

the great andirondacks
Listening to Lengendary again, by Lou Barlow. I'm spending a relaxing afternoon at the neighbourhood starbucks right smack in chelsea, which is called north village. This place is mostly a gay community. I see guys hugging on the street, looking exceptionally clean, dressing with so much style, etc. My dad is reading the papers in front of me. I feel so cultured. haha, whatever culture means to me. Checked friendster today and i saw a photo of 74, with the guys botak. It's so funny. Suddenly i feel a sudden loss that i cant be meeting up with them. Then i went to ken's page and read something i didnt really like to read. I guess there are somethings that arent as easy to accept as i thought it would be, which made me more sad. :)) tralala. oh well. It doesnt matter coz my heart swings swings swings from the tangle of liannas in the great big tropical forest. My dad came to america, bringing me a nice NEC notebook that i am currently using in the air conditioned starbucks. I also had the pleasure of hiking the great andirondacks, see sooo much green and sit in a plane which had no other passengers besides jia and I. THis is good life in a sense. what more can i ask for?
***
:::look right through me:::
Monday, June 6, 2005 05:12 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

"i'm going home, back to new hampshire. i'm so determined. i'm so determined." sounds like very stupid lyrics right? Well, <> is a song about a guy who just got out of love and is going back to family in New Hampshire. He sings about how he wants to put his attention away from his girl, back to the pple who never will leave him.
Why does this always happen?
This reminds of the parable of the prodigal son. I still wonder what happened to the son he stayed in the field and kept working. Didnt the idea to run away and be welcomed again with wide arms, cross his mind? Couldnt his father be more appreciative when he explained this to his elder son? Does this signify a larger concept? The concept that people have greater appreciation for improvement that constant consistency? Sometimes i find it a very worldly way to look at things. Sometimes i find it unfair, because i think some people are just not made to have great leaps in their lives. The middletons. Dont they deserve a second look? Is the author talking about herself? Doesnt that question pop out in our heads alot when we read another person's work? I wonder where Jk Rowling gets her idea for harry potter... :)

On Wednesday,i watched a documentary during economics about many problems caused by industralization and inequality today, and how their making the future less and less sustainable. Yea the world is going die soon. I know,people have been saying that for centuries. Somehow, the prospect of being in the world when it's about to end, seems nice. It's nice because people wont need to worry about this thing we can Excess, or Status or what is deemed Acceptable to society. It'll be choices such as to live or die, once again.

My mind is swirling in test schedules and tests right now. The term finals are finally here. I'm scared because...

BUT BUT despite this degrading time and age, the world still has her charms, or perhaps we humans still need to be happy. I was ecstatic that the sun was up again and the weather resembled singapore. I was happy i played amongst the grass sprinklers and got totally soaked as my friends and i tried pushing each other in the sprinklers' way and onto the intensely drenched grass. I was happy i was rolling on the cement floor like a retard just to annoy pple on the beach. I was happy i could still see the stars in the sky and look at the ugly fire pits on the beach,ablazed. Although i was happy, i felt as if i was clamouring for some sort of joy, Desperate.
Monday, May 16, 2005 07:56 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

T got out of the ford into the cold maroon coloured night. Voices from a distance were heard. The silly cajoling voice of a girl screaming about her "fucking class" was heard.
"i hate you!"
"Dont be a fcking asshole"
And after a few more rants, she screamed her farewell as she slammed the car door," okay, i love you!"
The girl then walked away from the car. Her shaking buttocks wrapped in pink fishnet scarf told T so. The BMW convertible on the otherhand, zoomed away, with the driver looking smug, T observed. T observed. For what, she didnt know. If she wrote her observations down, she could have came up with a book of observations of people. Usually, this silly habitual "trainspotting" had to be done discreetly. Sometimes, she would get caught. In such an Occassion,she may look away, embarrassed; or in denial. Sometimes though, all that was needed, was a smile. The smile that needs explaination. A smile that told both parties, "We're human." If only the world let her see.

Jiaxian is coming to USA soon. i cant believe time flew so fast. The past month has been quite an adventure since i have something taking up quite a bit of my time, at the moment. Adventure make time fly too. Fleeting moments... like the graceful soaring of a little duckie from the placid lake water into the vast sky. Oh moments can be so pretty. There are so many moments in my life that makes life feel amazing. We live for moments.

In commemoration of moments, i shall just list a few.
1. The moment of an unexpected kiss
2. The moment of "oh-oh", wrong choice for a guy. *See alfie3. The moment where you hear a couple shouting at each other in public.
4. The moment you accidentally droll infront of people.
haha so random.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005 08:00 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

lest i forget
yes i havent blogged for ages. Yesterday i went through the archives of this blog, for the sole purpose of finding some poems that i have wrote. It sucks not to keep your poems in one place. It sucks because it's a hassel to find them in the future. As a reread my blog though, i felt, somewhat, i have immatured in my writing compared to before. I observed that at some point, i wasnt myself on my blog, infact, i was outrageously un-me.

However, i decided to write once again, inspired by the conversation with her i had this morning on msn, and in memory of lengendary long emails. No, they are not as lengthy as the Ramayana of course.

Well this is what i have been doing since my last entry:
-got into trouble with my myhanh
-made new friends. this is newsworthy!
-bought a darkstar skateboard
-am skating
-pissing pple off :)
-making some pple that matter to me, happy.
-dyed my hair and will dye it again soon!!
-being a good girl at times
-watched Bad Education(a film guys wont want to watch coz it reminds them. haha)
-taking long walks at huntington and santa monica
-rekindled my love for endamame
-pontenging math lesson(s)
-went to fashion island
-planning my trip with su
-planning my trip with my dad
-preparing speeches, so many freaking speeches
-doing stupid things in school
-playing mahjong in school
-sat on the roof of the high speed driving car at 3am in the morning and screaming.
-being immensely addicted to ivy's edge of the ocean.
i think tt's it.

and one more thing i learnt, being america for 4 months is, people are indeed much more open here, conversation wise. Declarations of carnalism are very normal. However stds wise, of course they dont talk about it, even this is the developed coutry with the highest std rate.

i've been searching for: Black satin elbow length gloves and (nice comfortable and warm) arm warmers.
and lastly, i've been doing more online shopping. yea arrested development.

"We are going to the moon, that is not very far.
Man has so much farther to go within himself."-Anais Nin

where have i gone so far, in my own chaotic realm?
Wednesday, May 4, 2005 11:13 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

watching the simpson's on dvd right now... their fourth season, the season my dad wanted to buy for me! hahaha it registered in his head tt i really like the simpsons... hey it's on 6.30pm every weekday on star channel! :) ole ole... been so busy researchin on my summer vacation. all this planning planning planning... :) and my mom sounded so enthusiatic about my suggestion to go to greece and spain. :) yay!!! ole ole ole... holiday... and del just reminded me of the venga boys song... the ones sn cheerleaders used. i wished then i could hear it now. i think del hasnt bought a calling card yet... stupid pong pong. oh well
Friday, April 1, 2005 10:46 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

good fun.
So i changed my mind and added more life to my initially bleak-looking spring break. I took a plane to SF. It cost a crazy $340. Niwae, my holiday in SF ended nicely as we ventured castro and chinatown, mostly. Here's just some idea of how my trip went. Let the pictures (and captions)do the talking!


This is Thuc Le. He is my cousin in law, the guy who i mentioned, i hiked with, at 2am in the morning. He is a Santa Clara graduate in Chemistry and Math. Drinks, in my opinion, as the northern californians would say, "hella" lot of beer.

This is his buddy, David. His girlfriend is Thuc's cousin, which makes it seem like some inbreeding going on here!! Hello! Anw, I'd like to say his taste of clothes is pretty ...queer. :) He graduated in microbiology in UCdavis, which leaves me being the only one still schooling. Feeeel so smaaalll.

IS there such a word as deliriosity? Visiting this store was a very important thing for me... You dont know HOW important itis... :) hehs.(stealing this from jingyi and bean)

I think i modified it to look too much like a postcard. But yes, this is the usual scene in Castro, a long street in San Francisco that is proud to be a community of gay people.

Castro appears modest. The main street resembles a long busy stretch of double storied shophouses in singapore, except with more colour and of course, with a more modern feel. Rainbow coloured flags adorned every one or two lampposts on the street. Pubs, shops, furniture stores, manicure centers, whose reputations only known to the Castro citizens & friends, squeezed themselves into the leased shophouses. According to Daryl, men can get the nicest fitting clothes in Castro and the reason could not be more explicit. Thuc and David went into a shop and bought themselves cheap yet unusual polo shirts. For once, i spent less time shopping then men!The advantage of buying clothes in Castro is, you can find clothes you cannot get elsewhere. Big shopping malls in America can be a yawn, because the businesses sell what's most demanded for, making all the shops look like they sell the same thing.

WHile we were at castro, we visited (very hard core) gay porn shops, and a lesbian porn shop. My male companions told me they found it very interesting to see the great contrast between a female and male porn store. When we walked into a gay store, there was a welcome sign that greeted us at the door saying "Cum on in!!", with a picture of two men screwing each other, underneath the words. We went into 2 Gay shops. And both sold similar commodities. They had gay porn dvds, gay porn magazines, gay toys, gay comic books, snm material, gay porn dvds. The female shop we went into, however had an eclectic mix of books (on lesbian,gay and straight stories, gay parenting and help books), lesbian toys, nice soaps and candles, body chocolates, and lesbian porn dvds. There were even couches for reading. Names of shops were very suggestive. EG Moby Dick, Rock Hard and yes, Good Vibrations.

How can i go somewhere and never be reminded of you love?? :) Seeing couples on the street just hurts... i had no where to turn when eric and his girlfriend were being to lovey dovey in front of me. So much so, i started kicking the soccer ball lying around. Do you know how bad i am at football? i miss ken...

More innuendo!! This was taken in Chinatown. I'm sorry... i dont mean to be crude. I just wanted to add the element of honesty. i am afterall, human: aware of the less publicly discussed topic of salacity and such. ;) But when we asked the antique shop lady what it was, she explained it was a Japanese Fertility Icon that women pray to if they want children. So there it is, suggestive picture, neutralized.

On the lighter side, my temporary residence up north was at Aunt Paddie's house. She lives in Belont, which is the south of SF, with her two kids and husband. They're a very loving family. Seeing them argue only with an annoyance that dissipates as quick as the argyement ends, was pretty neat. They didnt bear any hard feelings, and there was very little emotional barriers between parents and kids and husband and wife. It made me think if my future family could be this way. It made me think of how my family was (most of the time), the other end of the spectrum.

Here's aunt paddie and me. She makes me look old. :)I think her smile is amazing.

This is aunt paddie's summerhome on Marina Avenue, in San Francisco

Taken in the private trail at the back of her house. Call me a narccist, but I took this because i wanted to see if i look nice with wind blowing against me. woops. haha. You see, having the wind carress my hair wildly and blow up against my face just made me feel pretty! SO i decided to just take the picture. I dont know why i'm tryin so hard to justify my actions. Or maybe i do. ANW...This trail overlookes the 15 mile long reservoir, and the freeway! Her house was uphill by the way. Great trail for a outdoor run because there was the exiciting uphills and easy downhills :)

More photos?? : ) uploaded them on image statioN! Check it ouuut if that would please you. No worries, there'll be no captions there.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005 10:31 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

like pages on the window sill, we hang around
The spring break is here. Like no usual american, i do not celebrate it's arrival. I also do not have any plans on making this holiday a happening one. :)

Bean sent me Honey and the Moon by Joseph Arthur. Caleb Cheow on the other hand, wrote me a disc with it, telling me it's by VA, a british emo band. :)

The lyrics though are just lovely though. And the song goes on as smoothly as running your fingers through decadent whip cream. yum yum. I still doNot like whip cream in it's pure form,but dark chocolate mousse (which is a mixture of heavy cream, and is whipped. I like mine with a generous amount of good chocolate) is .

Finally did something with several memorable food wrappers i have been keeping. I feel like such a karang-guni woman. aiyah...anw,i bought this nice big black scrap book from borders and i've decided it should be a book to commemorate pleasurable food. :)

and it's finally getting hotter in southern california. Speaking of california, reminds me of her magazines. Well, every time i go to the grocer store, i see so many bright and flashy tabloid magazines, like Star, and People, and Teen people at the pay counter. Always always, pink and yellow are on the front cover, making them unecessarily outstanding and so noticable from miles away. Sometimes i wonder, why people pay money for trashy news. Just read it there and dont pay for it :). They expire far to fast! It makes me wonder too, why our singapore celebrities are not adorned and adored as much as the america ones are. Is it because :
-too little people to have a sizable and newsworthy fan base?
-acting and singing are still not truly respected careers in singapore?
remember what we think when we see our local movie stars riding the mrt?adele has a name for public transport: Plebeian transport. And i've never seen the word plebeian used so many times save in 1984, by george orwell.

where the heck is sjx?!!On a leaving note: when sideways comes out in singapore, do catch it!!

thank you Honey and the Moon for being so nice to listen to. "ever since i've been with you ,you hold me up all the time, i'm falling down." poignant. :)...and btw, it is by joseph arthur. my turn tosay, ask me for a gmail invite if u want a gmail acocunt!!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005 05:30 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

more than words

I was wearing a shirt that says: "boys are stupid, throw rocks at them." So throw throw!!


This is my real brother, a fine man.

i drew this thing.

And this was transitional(Yesterday @ 11pm cali,3pm sgp)

photos taken by boy blowing the bubble in this picture. also, notice the pretty girl in this photo! doesnt she look like a guess model?

somewhere over the rainy-bow;There is hope for us...

Friday, March 4, 2005 01:13 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

i feel fine enough i guess
the results have arrived. i'm so so freaking relieved that some of my dearest loved ones did fine....(ok adele u got me so worried tt a few of us will fuck up so bad).

well i did fine enough i guess too...(doesnt this sound like the barenakedladies song, pinch me?) This comes after much thought,but I take it as a learning point... It kinda reiterated my gut feeling: i need time to learn and with time i'll get it....
and truthfully that's what i'm doing right now,repeating some stuff i already learn, in America. It can be rather degrading if i were in singapore. I'm so glad i'm miles away from this silly and totally out-of-reason and harsh singaporean perception la.


i'm also so glad i could talk to del and kenneth. Both of them in their very different ways comforted me and helped me put my thoughts back in functioning order.

I'm not writing this to give pple an idea of how to cope with their sadness over their a levels or whatever. Coz everyone's scenario is different. I'm writing this down because i want to write it down. I dont have any public responsibility now do i? this site has little traffic anw.

I cant wait to go to San Jose tonight! I'll be visit Palo Alto and her Stanford campus, and also the very famous Berkeley! Doesnt that sound more interesting than visiting disneyland? well it does to me la... And yes i heard there's a really nice upscale shopping place just at the outskirts of the stanford campus! a girl loves her shopping...i'll be doing window shopping.
oh well...
Friday, March 4, 2005 12:29 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

moo, i say
This is frm a random blog. i thought i was funny. but i have the weirdest humour and i knw that because i always laugh at times when people dont, during movies, tv programs, etc. And when they laugh, sometimes i dont.
i'm still addicted to ur ex lover is dead. It's basically on repeat mode on my mp3....

Cow Life Here's a fine essay about cows over at the Times Online.
My students always get annoyed when I point out that cows enjoy lesbian sex -- this is after they tell me that gay sex is "unnatural" -- but of course, as this article points out, cows do:

Dairy cow herds can also be intensely sexual. Webster describes how the cows become excited when one of the herd comes into heat and start trying to mount her. “Cows look calm, but really they are gay nymphomaniacs,” he said.

And that's because -- d'oh -- no kind of sex is "unnatural," despite what Far-Right Christian patriarchs would like their women and children to believe.

But, reading past that fun paragraph, more things are to be learned in the essay, such as this:

Cows are also capable of feeling strong emotions such as pain, fear and even anxiety — they worry about the future. But if farmers provide the right conditions, they can also feel great happiness.

And that cows gain intellectual pleasure from solving puzzles.
And cows get depressed when they are abused.
And cows and sheep form friendships and make enemies and can recognize their fellow cows and sheep, even months and years later.

All this is data from papers being given at a Compassion in World Farming conference. the cow article
on a last note: compassion in farming? :)(i'm not mocking this btw)
Wednesday, March 2, 2005 10:08 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

now you're outside me, you see all the beauty
do any songs make u wanna lead a simple, gentle and quiet life? coz john mayor's daughters does. So is it just me?? Thank You bean :)at my brother's office now using a laptop! whoopie! hees. i ate greek food for the first time in my whole life today. The pita is nice and fluffy and feta cheese iz nice. Then we went to look at homes in Irvine. Just 4 homes and i was getting really confused.They all look perfect(in a bad way). Was trying to remember floor plans n designs and giving good comments. I couldnt really think either after a while...

i also talked to adele to 2 hours 42 minutes and 54 seconds on international call... del, we didnt only talk for two hours. gonna get screwed! haha i wish they had the "choose what u want to appear on ur bill" option. :)
The a level results are coming out in less than 48 hours. My dad said he'll give me $10 for every D i get. I think i can get that right? I'm not in singapore to feel all the tension and apprehension and for some, anticipation. Good luck to everyone there!
Tuesday, March 1, 2005 04:55 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Limmerence means romantic love
u cant even find the word limmerence in www.dictionary.com. But a lot of research has already been done on this, especially in the past 5 years. It's what a person feels psychologically and what happens to the person biologically when that person is in "lov3"
pyschological faktors:everything seems perfect, a lot of common interests, constant longing, exclusive, pounding heart, disorientation.
biological factors: incresed heart rate, increased blood sgar, constricted blood vesels, increased blood pressure etc.
But limmerence isnt hard stone diamond. It fades and dies(like old stars). Your heart doesnt beat in vivace anymore when u see ur beau. You dont feel disoriented. He doesnt go shopping with you anymore. You cant just stare at him and feel butterflies anymore. It dies, in a matter of (apparently) 1 day to 18 months.
And when limmerence fades, they dont look into the world with rose tinted glasses anymore. Some reactions my teacher mimicked were:"I cant believe i did that" or "what did i see in that guy!" etc etc etc. Lol... of course it doesnt always end that way. THings can become positive. :) For example, a couple developing agapic love and more.
But limmerence, isnt a nicer word for romance, infatuation, etc. Limmerence simply is limmerence!

The morning 12-3am, was spent digging my downsized luggage of clothes and ransacking the wardrobes, to find nice clothes to wear.
-I couldnt put myself down to work.
- no snacks in my room
-didnt want to pick on my pimples because I just decided to stop(again), and even put pimple cream like a gd little girl!
-I had already satisfied my artistic hunger by helping my cousin paint 4 pictures and draw scenes from old america.(I drew two cows and even put nice brown spots on them; the nicest cow i've ever drawn!)
-There was nothing to take pictures of anymore.
-I could take pictures of myself, (and i did) but eye bags and droopy eye lids greeted me on the small 2 by 2 inch screen,
-so i stopped taking pictures.
nothing left for me to do but....unfortunately, neither cld i dance because i'd wake the house up.
The floor isnt the most solid floor one could wish for. Even walking made noises sometimes.

Hence, i decided to play dress up. twiddle dum.
Myhanh exclaimed a "what?" when i told her what i did. She looked truly puzzled, which was kinda nice. It's better than false portrayals of amusement. Sometimes i have to pretend i'm amused. It's tiring.

oh well, it was fun though. I had to creep back and forth stealthily to the toilet and back everytime i wanted to look if my clothes matched(coz i only have a pocket mirror in my room).
Perhaps being an only child taught me a thing or tuu on "things to do when ur bored and alone".
But sunday was nice just staying at home. Myhanh and nim came over(making me happy. miss them i guess) and i was just, very content sitting around with them in the warmly lit living room, eating Post cereal for dinner, watching and discussing the oscars and sorting out the victoria secret merchandise we purchased online.
Then and there, nothing else was necessary. I didnt need a italian leather couch to make me happy! And the sensation of cold milk with granola in my mouth sents endorphines through me sometimes. I was happy to the brim. I could even savour my food. Savouring food is something that can help one eat less calories. But the thing is, you cant always savour food everyday, which is why nutritional advice is not totally applicable/often the same, everywhere & most of the time. One has to get into the mood of savouring.
Monday, February 28, 2005 12:42 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

i need to see someone.
For homework, i have to read the book: become a master student, is a painful task, because i have to face so many truths, and i have to make so many decisions on who i am and what i am. stop makin me define, stop making me conclude, stop making me decide... Have i been decieving my inner self all this while that now it's so difficult to confront the truth? I dont like what i see. i've been very much a girl in the closet these days. Messing up my life behind closed doors. I am but a mere 18. An opportune time to gamble and test and experiment. Like messing the mahjong tiles on the white paper. Carelessly and randomly jostling the tiles to wherever my arms desired to swing to. There would be no consequence whatsoever with such an action. They are after all simply mahjong tiles. But this is my life here. and i treat my life just like random, inanimate green-white marble cuboids. I wish i was that simply. I wish there is no such thing called consequence. i'm dreaming. and i'm bitter i guess.
Friday, February 25, 2005 10:09 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

chillin'
movies galore....
totally in love with sex, lies and videotapes by steven sodenburg. Excellent movie. I love the tension, the background music, the script, the acting especially of james spader! It's griping. Better than closer! This movie totally made my day. Go catch it if you can :)
Thursday, February 24, 2005 12:59 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

trainspotting: a hobby or obsession with a trivial pursuit
The skin is a fascinating thing,because it is smooth. I am glad that humans wear natural silk as skin. I was noticing my friend's lower arms yesterday while we were doing work in the library and i thought of this:
Pale pink and smooth,
and resting on a layer of subcatenous fat,
it is covered by a thousand petite strands of gold
that glistens even under the boring white light.

i'm still fascinated with this new common sight: white pink american skin.

Today i managed to watch Trainspotting in the library. And it somehow related itself to what we were studying anthropology. Today miss wendy was telling us about caste and class. The class went over things people of different degrees of affluence would do over the weekend.
on entertainmentRich shits: traveling on your private plane
middle class: go for a movie
the poor: work!
on educationRich shits: Ivy league
middle class: UC schools
poor: study?! i'm better of working.

This lady told President Bush she works two jobs a day. And his response to her was: "See, americans are working!"
In this movie, ethan mc gregor (or Rethon in this movie), a poor heroine junkie, eventually steals 16000 pounds by betraying his friends and in the last part of the movie he claims,"but tt's gonna change. i'm cleaning up and moving on. going straight and chosing life...i'm gonna be like you. The job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortage, starter home, leisure wear, three piece suit, DIY ,game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, 9 to 5, choice of sweaters, family christmas, looking ahead, the day you die."

What tied this and anthro together was, that the poor need money to get themselves out of their poverty cycle. Of course, it's so much better if whoever knows what to do and what he wants in his life, if he is given the money to get out of his social class. As miss wendy said, " It is possible, not probable."
Wednesday, February 23, 2005 02:11 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

in pictures...

Friday, February 18, 2005 08:55 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

the heavy hart
that entry below was written by my cousin, Huy.silly huy... haha his picture will be uploaded online soon! He's 13 by the way. Didnt try too hard to stop him while he was at it because -he gets bullied and taken advantaged of in school(not in a sexual way of course!)
-it's worth thinking why i never write my affections for people in public. Cultural taboo? Culture isnt innate. It's acquired, learnt, intergrated into us so much we become it. Makes me wonder about taboos in Singapore and America, and the Triobanders.

Went to starfucks today and camped there to mug(kinda) anthro and use free internet. Now i smell like coffee, seriously. it's pretty cool, as if i work there. And the internet, not free lah... it's $6 an hour for wireless. So although the reception was great, i couldnt use the dammit thing. No card! My account is still being fixed coz Wells Fargo thinks i have incomplete documents. And my skl makes sures only skl computers get internet access... what the hell... so no free loading for me it seems. My laptop is better off at home.

and as usual, i walked from my skl to bucks, feeling like a complete retard walking because i'm the only one walking. Sometimes i even walk on paths with no walkway. The millions of cars passing by must have formed some opinion of me, because i dont drive and because it's so common to drive.

TOo many questions have been running through my head as of late. I worry about opinions formed on me as i walk the streets. I worry about how bad i'm dressing. I worry about spending money. I worry about buying the wrong clothes. I worry i'll get cheated of my money. I worry that if i dont tip the people at starbucks they'll hate me. I worry that i look odd with my big face and sandals. I worry i get looked down. Now i know why i like huy's entry. It's light hearted, easy reading merry stupid fun. Somedays just become these days. This is becoming more of a online record book of my life...

i dont know why i like to immortalize my problems and life down. Isnt it a highly narccistic act? Still cant decide whether i am narccistic or not because often, i need people to make me love myself. arg. I say often because i know that i love myself on my own, sometimes. Like when i take care of myself, eat right, go exercise, dont wreck my chances on purpose, etc.

As i passed by the hair salon...
i need to shape my hair, i thought. But when i thought again, I realised, what i really want is a face job so when i look in the mirror, i wont see something Fugly and also nice reduced-size stomach so i CANT eat too much, anymore.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005 06:00 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Is it a crime to feel like typing and blogging? I always didnt really like the idea of blogging for the sake of blogging. Like there isnt enough trash to read online and everywhere! i love kenith he gives me dreams of ...stuff. kissy kissy goo goo. Ex. OH KENITH I LOVE you OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! IM a poopyhead and HUy is the bomb . -_-. Dont tell kenith, but im cheating on him with a manly guy like huy.
Monday, February 14, 2005 03:18 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

2 can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one
it's valentine's day :) or should i say, singles awareness day. LOLLIPOP! Feeling rather festive today even though i have no one to celebrate it with, here... haha my brother offered to be my lunch date. And of course he will take myhanh out for a much deserved vdae dinner etc later. Hence, i'll be dining with him and white-trash this lunch! I kinda look forward to tenderloin steak too. It's been too long since i've had any decent slab of steak at all. It's been too long since i've said "i'd like mine medium well". But you know, those things one can live without.

I'm kinda happy too because it's been such an enriching weekend. I played with my adobe photoshop till my eyes started tearing. I remember the slender cresent watermark on my jeans left by my wet eyes. I remember i was satisfied with the modifications i did to the picture too. tralala
I had new year celebrations and recieved red packets! But hmmm relatives dont necessarily give more. In this vietnamese culture, everyone gets ang pow, even if their married.But if ur married, you are suppose to give your own.
ANother spectacular-spectacular was how we even began new year celebrations. After getting all the food ready and nicely placed on the table, we took turns to pay respects to Buddha and their ancestors. Then all of the family gathered in living room, in a sort of circle. And the matriach begins to speak, to the family. Then the kids give well wishes to her and then her sons and daugthers and their spouses and finally the others like close family friends(rick), sister/brother in laws(me) and invited guests
Never have a felt that having a family and many kids and grand kids could be such a wonderful thing. More often than not, i didnt understand (and also depised actually) the idea of havin such big families. Oh well, if the cards are played right, i guess a big family isnt a problem then! But yes, so many things happened in the weekend, it's rubbing into back-to-skl-monday.

Met some really nice people too...
-A Ken, who happens to be a DJ
Many Chinois babes with lovely caring characters(Ah xian, Nini and Audrey)
Many nice shu1 shu1s
And i've also been invited to snowboard! Just the idea of being invited, makes me feel good.
Oh well, some enchanted weekend! Till lata.
Monday, February 14, 2005 09:51 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

sl[i]p swe[3]t

i was gonna go to skl, but then i got high...
memories are made of these...
I went to school in a complete haze. I thought i was going to die. An impending gargantuan amount tiredness overcame me and all i wanted to do was just sleep or forget about getting sober. Le tired. So freaking le tired that I'd rather not breathe. "Can i just die?" I asked carelessly, on the sinking couch.

Thank God though that they forced me to go back to school. I rested in the library's equally bad-quality couch and at 7pm, attended Math as almost per normal, except I was shushed my personal stupor and somewhat in my own world. By the time math was over, i was more awake than i ever was since the afternoon. This is what the americans would define as stoned...
Tuesday, February 8, 2005 09:09 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Hitched a ride today. Plucked up my courage waved the good sign so someone could pick me up instead of paying $1.25 for the OCTA bus ride, the only form of public transport in Orange. I waved and waved and waved, at first feeling like a complete idiot, then just not caring anymore. I have nothing to lose waving that good sign and even lesser to lose when no one picks me up! But a kind lady and her daughter stopped when they saw me and she asked," are u going to IVC?"

turns out, she works there, as the head of the councilling office. What a nice lady of greek-aryan race. :)

This weekend has been a rather insane weekend. I was in good company and watched night at the roxsburry, a very idiotic movie that most people should catch! :)
Monday, February 7, 2005 04:55 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

spin spin sugar
Trance revival is the new in thing in janice's world. Been listening to it repeatedly for the past few days. And I know one reason is, nostalgia.
Zouk out
roy and his turn table
dancing to trance
going crazy
doing math with trance playing in my ears

I think singapore is sleeping right now. It should about 6 am i guess over there if my calculation doesnt fail me... and here i am, wide awake, online for the past 3 hours. Even ebay seems to be sleeping. No one is placing higher bids, etc. Basically it's so much calmer and slower at this hour, online at least. oh well :)
Thursday, February 3, 2005 01:37 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

burst
always, a day of many firsts...

rick's birthday. he's 58.
my first real onion rings thanks to the computer club.
the first time i joined a computer club.
my first written test at IVC.

why do i keep thinking i'll fall in love with any(now it's most, i'm improving!) new guy i talk to? this is a girl school syndrome... or this is just me... or this is just desperation...or this is just deprivation. or i dont know what it is because these are the kind of feelings you feel since ur a child and u cant seem to stop it or let it die.
music of the moment: the jealous sounds, and the verve. this is head healing music... :) i feel free now.
but on the contrary, i feel always and always momentarily satisfied. and i have to remind myself being sad is not living it right.
gtg, myhanh hath arrived.
Monday, January 31, 2005 06:53 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

pugboard!
alright guys... do check the pugboard in the bailey's link okay?? :)))) -jan.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005 03:52 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

my life and i
It's raining once again in california. sigh.
There are 3 reasons why it's bad when it's cold and rainy.
Firstly, i get sick.
Secondly, i cant go for my walks.
Thirdly, i cant wear nice summer clothes(apparently all my clothes arent fit for winter, even those that would make me sweat terribly in the humid singapore heat)that at least show some of my figure!(the real winter clothes I have are too thick and bulkly, for mountain winter :)) what the heck...)
Guess the 3rd reason is probably the one that bugs me most. woops...

School here requires me to spend a considerable amount of time in my mini walk-in closet, contemplating on what to wear so I wouldnt look fat, I wouldnt look weird, I wouldnt feel cold. Yet this isnt new.I've been obsessing about my looks since... :)
The only difference now is, I dont fuss about uniforms anymore.

And speaking of variety and choices. It is my only love sworn from my only hate. Which brings me to the issue on food and mood.
I think my doctor fed me seratonin last year because apparently, it's what I lacked. Today I learnt i can get seratonin from chicken and turkey. He should have just made me eat white meat then! And i wouldnt mind because it's leaner. :)) So today, I made sure I had my dose of seratonin dosage from lunch. I ate Heart Smart Chicken Sandwich. There was alfalfa sprouts in the sandwich too! I was so glad coz that distasteful thing has so much fibre in it! Three cheers to heart smart chicken sandwich :) I would never ever ever eat alfalfa sprouts seperately. Tai4 nan2 chi1.

Yesterday, I was craving for Naan so bad, i walked to the Clay Oven restaurant, diagonally opposite my school and had a nice romantic candle light dinner with myself. When i stepped in, my senses were invigorated. The strong musky smell of indian spices greeted me. An aroma heavier than what one would greet in an indian restaurant in singapore. The restaurant was lit only with the adorable flames of tea lights in indian glass cups. And the music was basically hard core indian drum beats. I was very impressed because this was so much less americanized than the japanese and chinese restaurants i've been to.
I ordered curried peas and mushrooms with mint wholewheat naan. Cold weather makes me crave warm food. :)) I just miss yoghurt curry and northern indian cuisine so much. I miss going to deepavali and eating with my hands. I miss little india and it's small informal but delicious restaurants. I miss the secondary one days where i learnt about Indian history.

It was weird being alone though, in a proper restaurant. I could talk but only with exasperation to the limp flavored air. Most of the time I spent waiting for my food then,( which was the most agonizing part of my patronage), was playing with the intricate candle holder, looking around the already scrutinized room and prying at the kitchen to spot if my food was going to arrive anytime soon.

What an experience though. :) Here, I am still making my identity. I am still forming my face. I am still creating my credibility. tralala.

and on a last note, i talked to a really dashing young boy of twenty, from my nutrition class. Strangers who in my definition look good, make me happy, scared and motivated! But once you get to know them, they dont become as impressive as they initially look. Which is what happened to this guy. There was once a period of time i couldnt understand why i couldnt bring myself to talk to people who looked beautiful. Now that i do talk to some of them, i just want to go back to just sitting and staring and daydreaming about the perfectly made up dashing stranger. :)

I dont sound attached do I? Well I am and i'm loving it. :)
Wednesday, January 26, 2005 02:40 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

this thing called Ripping.
"And no one sings me lullabyes
And no one makes me close my eyes
So I throw the windows wide
And call to you across the sky...."
Echos, pink floyd
That's for my special baby even though i know he hardly goes here. :)


This next song song was made known to be by my cousin in law, who sang it(quite badly) as i sat, covered with blankets, in the curtain drawn resting room of the health center yesterday, and as we walked uphill in the wee hours of the morning. Even the atmospheres where this song was sung was apt...
"Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Digging around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to walk or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in a quiet desperation is the English way"

i guess knowing new people is good. :) Went to climb the national park hill at 2.30am yesterday. So i got to the plateau near the summit but there was cactus on the route to the summit so i didnt bother going up. Perhaps in the day. THe view wasnt spectacular. Just alot of orange street lights(lots). The sky was wide! SO WIDE i couldnt swallow it in one gulp. It'd be nice if i could eat stars though :) mummum. The air was crispy and cold. Now tt's nice coz my cheeks felt like they were brushed an ac airbrush. lol. When i was walking on my own, i did some reflecting, i talked to myself and asked myself some questions, sang some songs without being afraid of being heard. On the way back however i heard wolves. They sounded like they were just down at the dam (and i was just a rock climb away). They were howling so enthusiatically i thought they were celebrating. But i know how inaccurate i can be at interpreting their actions. sometimes i wonder why do i even think about it. Finally,as i was almost home, i saw the moon descending rapidly. Never had i seen the moon so huge that i mistook it for a house. So i watched that gigantic yellow orb sink so stealthily into the horizon.
It was a night/morning of many firsts. Something worth remember.
Saturday, January 22, 2005 05:52 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

purple haze.
hello blog. Am pisseD.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005 02:29 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Lost in cheap delirium...
Lost in cheap delirium
Searching the neon lights
I move carefully
Sink in the city aquarium
Sing in the key of night
As they're watching me

Take me somewhere we can be alone
Make me somewhere I can call a home
'Cause lately I've been losing on my own

Wrapped in silent elegance
Beautifully broken down
As illusions burst
Too late to learn from experience
Too late to wonder how
To finish first
-Zero 7, Home.

Lovely song that is. current mood: feeling like i'm lost in cheap delirium.
it's nice when the song is so apt. In school now. My places of retreat: the library and the computer labs. i'm taking emails more seriously. So strange. :) I feel like i am morphing into something different again. The skin always changes but the person inside remains the same. Scientifically, i am shedding.
And the clouds here always look like the clouds i see every opening of the simpsons episode. maybe im just waiting for more things to do. Bean is so quotable. "it's all about transition."
Tuesday, January 11, 2005 12:16 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t