:essay:rain:yesterday:reddust:
just finished writing my essay on the computer.
essay title: Contemporary society puts people under great stress. Do you agree?

it was a do one paragraph and sleep then do next paragraph essay, until i decided to get it properly done today. asked the opinions of my mom and elvin. haha my mom was getting all moralistic about it. But it made me think twice. She opposed to the statement and was going on about how if we accept change we wouldnt feel stressed. haha i mean it sounds all so familiar. But as Akshir says quite truthfully, be objective not subjective.
Now, akshir is my gp teacher. He looks like a bollywood actor. Sorry he's married though. BUt oh well. ANd he's scared of getting fat. But he's doing a good job keeping the flab off. :)nonetheless i thank both for your opinions :) i disagreed with the statement too simply because it was ABSOLUTE. but i do agree tt this wretched society CAN bring great stress to pple, mostly due to economic issues as el as kindly suggested.Come on la, there's like a living example here to testify. i was combing my hair while i was researching today. there's like a whole lot of hair on the floor now. think i'm dying. oh how lightly i take the word "dying".


I hope it doesnt rain. From the balcony of my house, the skies seem cloudless. and from the kitchen, the clouds are grey... What is this.... LOL. It's funny how i'm in the car on the expressway and one moment it's raining cats and dogs and what nots, but when u drive pass a certain point, the rain stops immediately coz the rain clouds arent above you any more. haha. okae shit... my dad just heralded that the stupid rain is here. Ladidums.


Yesterday,i was at novena macs and i met md Ng :) and her family. haha i was so happy to see her :) i think she's a really nice lady. She was with her husband(stick like as well), her son(stick like as well..) and her pouty pretty daughter Ruth :) and coincidentally i was doing vectors. haha. She came over to say hi and introduced me to her daughter whom she found very pretty. so cute mdm ng! Edith saw me on the street la. :) heh plesant coincidence. haha she was trying to walk from YCK to yishun la... but it started to rain. i really wanna do that one fine dae! Met her at yishun and we took a nice walk along the canal and the reservoir opposite safra. the nightbreeze was cool :) lata on the phone she was explaining Red chamber in between the lines to me yesterday. haha How interesting... :))) and profound. yes i AM reading DREAM of the Red Chamber, in ENGLISH of course... :)
okae i'm suddenly tired of blogging. tata box! now tt's from bio. think splicing of DNA or something.
Saturday, July 10, 2004 11:01 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

private thoughts.
what's wrong with blogspot today... i cant seem to goto any blogspots properly...
what a day. took a trip down memory lane. I watched the VCD uncle vic complied for me. Quite embarrassed about my past. WHy Am I alWays eMbarassed? i think i'm such a bitch. At first the photos were okay. They showed us as kids. I wasnt in many of them. So i realised, okae woah i didnt know that the lau family and the liew family had a history before the lee family(my fam) came into the picture. It helps me understand more importantly that the kids had a history too. I begin to wonder if i am but a stranger. Am i just a passing family friend who came and went? I remember crushing *ahem for a very long time. Ah how insanely stupid, silly, whatever you call it, i was. I remember doing really stupid things like not sitting with them, or not going into the room where all the kids were playing, just to avoid having the lack of things to say, or to feel jealous or akward or not good enough. So if they've such deep history, perhaps what i felt wasnt mutual. Perhaps it was just me and the fact that it was my first. The first cut is the deepest i tell you. And that is one nice song tt actually makes sense.i've gotta say i look worse in the past. and okae i think i'm destroying the way i look right now. Why would it ever cross my mind that he'll ever like me back? oh we dont grow old dont we?

Since the video clip was in chronic order, i kinda loathed the later part, which was photos of let's see 97/98 because it was the time where i felt so fat and my clothes were just plain long sleeve shirt with outrageous ties, or big tshirts. Do fat people have to always sucumb to this. It's such an indication of grave insecurity. how sad and pathetic! which is why when u see a fat bung... always question why she's not straight... would she still be crooked if some guy liked her? would she still be crooked if she wasnt this fat. was she thinking she could escape her fat-ism by dressing in really baggy clothes and actually looking good. Yes looking good for ONCE?? sometimes we humans are that desperate. Of course i'm not ruling off the idea that one could be a butch because she has real real real real lesbian tendencies. :)backto where i was at, i also wore a terrible hair band and round glasses. i mean tt's the worse fashion statement ever! which brings me back to the same question, "why dont ur parents ever tell u how bad u look?" i looked terrible. dearest mom and dad, did it occur to them tt i might have felt terrible too? U know, a big reason people dont see when they judge people who wanna go for plastic surgery is this,--- there's a person inside people that the eye cannot see. And if you look so bad, people are not even going to consider who you are because they've stereotyped bad-looking with worthless. Yes. Do you know how it feels like to feel so much older,so much kinder, so much inclined to love when ur body looks inappropriate and weird? It's like being forced to live a double live. Being pretty and talking too much is not to bad. They'll just bitch about you. Being fat and talking too much, is "God she talks too much! Probably because she wants attention tt she isn't getting coz she's too ugly." Get the point? Fat is synonymous with lack of self control, being stupid, blah blah blah.

and it really begs a many more questions. LIke why not slip back into not eating. Im much more mellower that way. much more sad but grounded. and i'll be happy coz i'll get my figure back. That's history for you. Sometimes we should really forget the past. Or maybe tt's just advice for silly old me. I wonder, so is it my fault i act weirdly infront of them? I dont talk much to them. i cant. I'm embarassed about the stupid things i've done. And when u do stupid things, you dont affect urself alone, others get affected with you. This is where i wished i rather have not existed in their world. I wonder what they think of me... Do they think i'm weird and they blame it on my dysfunctional family? haha i hope so coz that will be my parents fault and put be guilt free. There you go, look at me... i'm just trying to be honest.
Anywae... my parents are kinda screwed up la. I mean there was this photo that was shown on the VCD. it was my mom and dad singing karaoke, but they werent sitting together. one was at the side of the table and the other, in front. i noe it's just one picture. But it just so reminds me of the situation right now, the situation, ever since they got married. The situation: They are such a detached married couple. They live seperate lives. Is my mom embarrassed she married dad. Did she think it was the worst mistake of her life? haha i hope i dont end up like this.
Photos, memories. THey capture the moment and the emotion.I just found a nice phrase to call this entry.

Events today:
1.study with edith at toa payoh lib
2.shifted location to novena macs
3.home.

tomorrow:
chem exam makeup.think miss soh is gonna kill me.
childhood photos exchange.
Monday, July 5, 2004 09:47 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

everybody hurts sometimes.
she's not tt innocent...
Events:
1. Study at the Esplanade.
2. Bread talk and snapple lunch delivery
3. Shopping at British India & Addidas
4.Dinner at Al Dente at the esplanade
5. More birthday presents. Rose from Holland!
6.Chijmes.Meeting of old friends.
7. Walk Walk around CHijmes.
Head to pan pacific to drink at the lounge.EDith's Treat! hehe thanks girl.
8.went over to another friend's house. washed my hair!
9.rushed back to chijmes.
watched performance and danced family dance till around 6 plus. my mom was doing her latin ballroom dancing
10. ate breakfast.
11.writing blog and downloading songs and of course falling asleep.
Sunday, July 4, 2004 06:50 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

you know, in shawn's page, he says if anyone intends to leave a comment, leave a comment then go seek therapy. Well perhaps i do need therapy. This fateful morning, i really felt like going for therapy. Yes i would like to check into ur mental hospital. You know what's my fantasy? Well it's not some sexy sleazy karma sutra position. MOre or rather, it would be, at least for the period of time i need to study(which means my varsity daes too right), checking in into some hospital where i can study. I imagine white walls, clean rooms, the smell of anti bacteria floor wash and no air con. i green lawn and a huge library that no one goes too! I envision, sitting in the library morgan freeman checked out when he was trying to understand the killer. Perhaps i do need therapy. Why do i luuuuve to think i'm the only one. ANd when i'm not the only one, i dont want to do it(it being most things) anymore. Is this my obsession with being special , is this me, being really highly narcisstic? You know, i think i have low self esteem. But have u wondered why some people are never happy with themselves? It's not very "we-should-be-sympathetic-about-it" after all. But on the lighter side, therapy sounds like terapin.

haha goodness my stomachache is back to haunt me!!!!!!!!! thy wrathful slayer! be gone! haha and My Birthday is TMR heehee okae. it isnt my fault. Friend of elf had to remind me. I jus emailed my relatives who greeted me. how interesting.. coz i've never done that before. If u are a philippino, being 18 is a great deal. coz 18 is like being 21. in other words, a full Ay-dult. Then of course, u have a big birthdae bash which they call a Debut. And eighteen guys are suppose to dance with you, one by one, and give u a rose. Haha i went to a debut at sentosa last year. Food was not bad. THere was not much left when my mom and i arrived. But it was exclusive. :) Except that the guests were... a let down.
and the guys couldnt dance. It was really funny. they didnt want to dance with the birthday girl! See these singaporeans dont know it's a phil culture so they arent gentlemanly about it... they danced PARA PARA... and erm a whole lot of cliche rubbish... and the music was too happening for the party. Form doesnt fit functing. Double u, tee, afff! haha poor birthday girl... if only she really had 18 guys waltzing with her. After the party, the kids went out to play. my mom and i walked down siloso beach. and as i waited for my friend to go running at sentosa, i sat at the balcony of the shangrila cafeteria, watching the sky turn from light blue to a frenzy of pink, blue, orange, red and purple and all ur sunset colours, then finally settling into a deep blue, a blue tt was on par with the colour of the sea, so both looked like one. haha.

See everything in life kinda evens out. Bad bio paper, great breeze on the way to school. bad bio paper, nice walk out with del. bad bio paper, it's over! bad bio paper, my birthday is tmr. haha foul mouthed emotional father, sometimes very generous father. lovely caring mother, spends little time with u mother. Goodness. i should stop. haha okae bad stomach ache, caring friends, and all the medicine in the world to cure u(well tt's 99% true coz there's a possibility of me having cancer and tt i'm gonna die soon an d there is no cure) okae... good bye blog... muacks.
Wednesday, June 30, 2004 06:22 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

You're of the "I hate school"
breed!
You just hate going to school
and can't stand waking up every day just for
school. But no choice, you just force your way
through school and when the time comes, you
leave the country for other, better education
systems. Bah, at least you have the resources
to do so, you rich/smart bugger!!

Which Stereotypical Singaporean Student Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Monday, June 28, 2004 12:12 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

much ado about nothing
So what was the lady thinking when she was staring out of the window? She gazed out, to somewhere far. i dont know at what. i could only see her from the corners of of eye so she wont catch me staring...
Outside it is green and grey with greey clouds and friendly neighbourhood haze. Maybe she was just thinking about the rain as she took petite sips from straw of the paper cup. I think the contents of it was coke. But her actions were very childlike despite signs that she is sinking fast into her dotage. With likeness of a child, there is a sense of vulnerability. It was so very unlike the adult clothes she wore.(Our subject was dressed in a light silky pink baju kurong and a white tudong with small coloured prints) Why notice her you might ask? I guess because she was sitting very near me. and she was the only one i saw that day, sitting alone, seemingly pensive. Everyone else was sitting with someone else, or engrossed in something more physical than staring at the glass windows of the meagerly patronized bK at Sembawang Shopping centre. Anyway,I wonder where her food is? Not many people are crazy enough to buy a drink at burger king and not order anything else...then i realised... her food was in a burger king plastic bag on top of the bin where they usually put the trays. To go... Perhaps she's thinking about the kids at home. Perhaps she's wondering how far she's gone in her life and what has happened so far? Perhaps she's thinking about her worth. Perhaps she's thinking about this world, this greenery, this concrete ,family life, this responsibility, and her youth. I'm thinking about my mom. She must eat out alone often, now that she doesnt really eat what my dad buys anymore. She's really trying to make a stand, " I am an independent woman". Unfortunately, i cant join the rally. practically, i still need my only source of income, the allowance my dad gives me. Back to my mom, well well, she must have looked like that too. My mom has a lot to think about and a lot to do. Even older women, mothers included, need some personal time, away from the kids she love. Away from the place she calls home. Away husband, well she might adore. She needs the time she had when she was an individual, where everything tt mattered most was , herself...then again... it's prolly me putting my mind into her, like i do for a many other things and many other people...
"australia's still like, "wtf mates"" hahaha night sweet earth.

Thursday, June 24, 2004 01:07 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

LipoSuction PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
you think of all the lonely people, or of the day she found you, you lie to yourself and everything dissolves around you. Let's see what i ate after drama....Sour Cream Pretzel, yakult on the way home. and like that wasnt enough, i had chocolate ice cream from the tub tt tastes disgusting. I had oats and some toasted almonds. and I had boiled peanuts. and oh yes a slice of raisin bread with half a slice of cheese. Damn i cannot stop. i simply cannot. Goodness what is wrong with me. I'm not hungry! I really am not. Just now i had pizza crust. Roast chicken and in the morning, 3 digestive biscuits, a packet of ovaltinies biscuits, peanut pancake, peanut butter and chocolate jam spooned into my mouth, as if i had nothing better to eat... and of course, more oats and more disgusting chocolate ice cream and a slice of cheese. Oh i havent mentioned, yesterday i had supper too.... which was two peanut pancakes even after eating cheesecake and brownies at coffeebean and drinking pure chocolate with tablespoons of chocolate power. My **** that is a LOT! oh groce groce groce groce groce. After the chocolate ice cream i was thinking of getting real ice cream from esso, you know, bEN and Jerry's. and i might as well get doritoes and some fan choy and pizza baguette from delifrance!! and of course, the validity of it all is by not sleeping. This is how i get insomnia. CAN I JUST GET MY MIND OFF FOOD FOR ONCE?!!!! DAMN IT. i feel so weak. I told myself after eating so much just now b4 drama,tt i'll come home straight and sleep. BUt why do we always do the things we planned not to do??!! why why why?!! All it takes is just one bending of the rule or conviction and my whole plan gets hay wire. If i didn't buy the pretzel at PLAZA SING, i could have avoided this all.... "we were not meant to be so weak!!! " Hai fish la. My tummy makes me feel like shit. I wear the pink tolga everynight and i want to smash my tummy. poking it hurts now... i dunno whether it's coz i dont exercise or is the adipose is layering rapidly... at the rate i eat and the things i eat... there is no hope... I do the very thing tt i hate. I tried to eat toblerone just now... but it was too rich for me. This is what decadence does to you.... rich things will just make u tired and sick and saturated... you dont wanna live any more... right now... how i look is not important... it's the promises i make to myself and the achievement of my goals.... why am i so useless??!! yea there is really no point asking tt question. I just wanna stop...sometimes i wisk food didnt exist. i wish i didn't have a love-hate relationship with food. i drink water... to get rid of the sweetness in my mouth coz it makes me sick... and i wished it could flush the fats away too. how unlikely...It brings me off balance.... hai food my nemesis, my achilles heel!!!

we had our last performance today at Utterly Art Gallery at SOuth Bridge Road. We as seniors finally stepped down and we gotta concentrate on our a levels already...haha very funny right. i sound so guai. oh pls.... i hardly think of studying...everytime i think of studying, i just think of eating.... hai... i feel like dying... why live sucha idiotic life. Idiotic not coz of anyone else... idiotic. why live such a flabby ill discipined life.... i cant wait to go for liposuction... i really want it....................
Sunday, June 20, 2004 12:37 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Dewey Colour system
You're an Entertainer
By paying close attention to everyone's emotions, you better understand yourself and others. Your exciting, concerned energy compels people to express themselves. When you hear how others feel, you clearly see their kindness, love, pain, and fear.

The passionate you- enthusiastically seeks inspiration and a sense of magic in your relationships and undertakings. You regenerate people. You have the power to spark new possibilities.

The centered you-knows who is capable of giving you unselfish devotion. You see where you belong. When all is quiet within, you celebrate each person for what they have done, not said or thought.

The emotional you-becomes lost, unable to decide what you want. Your independence is admirable, but remember that it's OK to ask for help. Be more selfish. Everyone-even you-must first take care of him or herself.
Saturday, June 5, 2004 07:48 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

impulsive
my life is such a boring fuck, a total mess, a vicious cycle, because i choose it to be. need i explain how i messed it up when i got home again. it's all too mundane, boring. the only reason i would list down the things i do online is coz i hate it. I hate it i hate it. why do we hate?
i just enjoyed studying today in st nicks. it was almost perfect. an almost perfect day and i had to fuck it up this evening like i always like to fuck up great things.i really appreciate the company today though. Huiqing, yunzi, bean and edith. Thank you my dears for making today such a beautiful day. i dont think they feel half as happy as me coz they're all having their own problems... i feel kinda selfish coz i felt like i was sucking on their energy to make me happy :) and i was so quietly content.

i love the songs on my mp3. :) cant stop listening to it.

my dad is growing old. went to visit him today. the doctor happened to be there. He was so impatient and sarcastic. my dad was being a pain in the ass too... stubborn insolent and ignorant. the doctor, irked, impatient, haughty and stewpid in math. I quote"0.5% of the people who suffer from this get paralysed. THat is a...two....a about a.. u know, one out of five hundred people. So every few year will have about one."
very funny. i'm just not happy suddenly and i'm trying to gain happiness out of the stupidity of someone. i'm sick. i'm so damn normal.
Thursday, June 3, 2004 10:32 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

somewhere only we know....
listening to smack my bitch up, by prodigy. nice music man! :) haha with the help of two friends i managed to download enuff songs to fill my mom's mp3 with songs.:)haha it's 3am and i'm on a high. music's good. i feel like tumbling down a slope. haha tmr is a public holiday. so interesting... gonna go nydc to use the voucher.
i fell off my feet, was dumbfounded, greatly moved, deriliously joyful when i heard the song my keane's "somewhere only we know", on MTV, twice! SO HAPPY. :)
And if you have a minute why don't we go
talk about it somewhere only we know
this could be the end of everything
so why don't we go
somewhere only we know..


Is this the place we used to love?Is this the place that i've been dreaming of?
Wednesday, June 2, 2004 03:15 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

enternal sunshine
i am colourblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
i am running, i am running
i am
taffy stuck and tongue tied
stutter, shook and uptight
pull me out from inside
i am running, i am running, i am ready, i am fine.
i am coloured skin
no one gets to come in.
pull me from inside
i am folding, and unfolding,and unfolding
i am colourblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
i am ready i am ready, i am fine.
Counting Crows. I am ready for Love.
from cruel intentions.

good morning world.... there is so much tension at home. i slept on the sofa again... in my uniform. i reached home at two plus. took a cab back. It's a first for me. i messaged my mom to tell her i'll be home after the movie at one plus. expected her to scream but she simply replied "up to you". haha is this a transition? My friend contributed to my taxi fare. Thank you. gracias. Although i really wanted to kill the taxi driver because the meter was running for the extras as well... i didnt. He explained to me that Yellow Top cabs didn't increase there fares but citi cab did. So much for comfort. wow.I didn't want to feel shitty anymore,n it isn't his fault, so i wished him a good business for the rest of the night after i got out of the cab.afterall... we all have to survive in this world. His family needs to eat.
Anywae... i was stirred up by the ting tang cling clang going about by my dad. i was looking cautiously where my dad was walking...lest he dug my phone, checked my wallet, etc. haha My dad was all dressed. He's gonna take the car for the whole day today. My mom pretends not to care but when he's not around, she tells me, "your father is going to use the car today," then keeps silent, as if she wants me to reply, "yes, he's a nasty bastard." Oh well...i simply told her, "What do u want me to do?" The usual cold teenage reply... then, i reconsidered how i wanted to appear towards her and then i began explaining(again, like i've never told her),"but it's just one day. Besides, he kinda paid for the car right. Let him use for one day la." Then she will either say" but i just sent the car for washing and i just put the petrol." OR "he didn't pay a cent for the car!" Oh cool...i just remembered how i shushed her up the other day. i said, "well it's be very inconvenient for you today lor." and she laughed and oh i laughed too!(bcoz i'm glad she thinks it's funny) haha it's weird how people respond to warmly to the oddest things. But these things happen.
for example... like how adele is still highly amused that i took the calculator and pretended it was a handphone and said" Hello uncle? where are you?", as we waited for her father to pick us up a few years ago. I still remember we were sitting at the waiting place by the car park with a huge statue of Father Nicholas Barre. i mean i was just playing pretend! what could possibly so weird about tt. She's allergic to that it seemz coz after 3 years, she still tells people this story as if it was the most preposterous thing on earth. haha oh well, adele, i like it tt u are amused anyHOW! :))
so yes... it was awfully quiet in the morning. I shuffled in between intermitten sleep, the doors opening and closing ever so loudly in this five room flat, my dreams, flashes of recent events in my life,yesterday's movie, and the uneasy silence between the grown ups. they didn't say a word. i saw my dad dressed kinda nicely. WHen he left the house, my mom went into his room and god knows what she's doing inside. being paranoid, checking stuff. i dont think it really matters to her anymore. Her love is gone... but still a woman wants to know. He is after all, the man she tot she was in love with, the man she tot was the greatest guy on earth, before they got married. Poor woman....sigh.
And poor man? well my dad seemed like an ultra sensitive man over sms. I was eating my dinner-supper at the kitchen after i got home. (my dad's vegetables. He cooked) Then he called me with his cellphone from his room n asked me why i didn't pick up my calls and why i didn't reply him. Well i didn't because i was reply my mother and i tot perhaps they were communicating and getting angry at me uanimously at home for coming home after twelve. Apparently not! Because he said" Your mother was in the room sleeping already! WHat time did u sms her?" I said, "i smsed her during the movie, before the movie and after the movie coz she was impatiently asking me to come home. I thought she would have told you." He had to ask me that question three times and i had to repeat my reason, three times too... Then i got really tired of explaining. He either DIDN't wanna accept it, didn't want to admit that he and mom dont talk(rollls eyes) or he really really didn't get it! About 45 minutes later... i recieved an sms from him. wait lemme go check my phone. okay i already deleted it. guess i chose not to think it matters. But it said some thing like"think about ur actions...never reply...hurtful...wasted worry." AWWWW. i have no sympathy... why it is so difficult to believe that my dad is hurt? well is he? or is he just a sweet talker? Pehaps both. u noe what i'm just saying that coz i dont want people to think i have such a narrow view on this but i do so heck it. i was actually more busy being impressed he could sms so well. He has evolved from USING BOLD LETTERS FOR EVERY WORD, to making simple sentence fragments like "pls call dad asap" to proper sentences and prose like "Thank you and all the best for your test. Love Daddy." Does it sound sweet to you???
do u noe it looks like bullshit to me? the word DADDY? i cant relate to tt. The word "Mom" gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. i want to see my mom everyweek if i could at least, as i have told spike. but "daddy?" i dont understand. Daddy looks fake to me. Daddy's girl? yea i think the only concept i have in my head is sugar daddy. A guy who really adores his daughter coz she looks better than his wife and is willing to pay for stuff she wishes, just because she kinda sucks up to him. goodness... my view of fathers are groce. i think it's really weird how daughters can hold hands with their fathers. i feel so inccestrous doing that. i hated holding his hand. i felt like he was a paedophile or something. haha i'm abit warped. So yes. i am very very very VERY happy sleeping alone in my room....
haha Now i'm listening to "accidentally in love" from Shrek2 soundtrack. so cute.but i think I am ready for love is so much nicer. They're both by counting crows.
the part-time maid came so early in the morning... i changed out into the green circa tshirt tt i adore before she thinks any worse of me. My hair is limp with yesterday's dirt,dust and grim coz i spent the whole day out after skl. :)
Now listening to beck:"you're just the girl of my dreams, but it seems my dreams never come true."

Yesterday was great... watched Eternal Sunshine of a spotless mind. It's a real cool show. Pls, Everyone, if there's one movie u wanna catch, let it be eternal sunshine. i just realised clarissa oon is miss wong's friend and ms wong just gave me a lowdown of how good she was. They were classmates.haha i have so much more respect for her now. The power of words. And how easily i am influenced. Clarissa oon gave tt movie 5 or 4.5 stars on Life. :) and i agree with her for this one! :)) yay. Clementine my tangerine. the part where jim carey ran from one plattform to the next juz so reminded me of how victor walked.... hehe. gosh this is my first longest and most detailed entry for a v long time. And i went home later coz we were walking around in the midnight breeze :) met new people. a chio bu :) haha the breeze is really great. it was cold, like chilly australian wind at night during december. haha the street lights were a romantic retro orange. I felt like life was just a simple happy blur. The leaves by the pavements were wet with dew. it felt fresh. it felt clean. i could close my eyes and just stand in the midst of all that happiness. i was just so damn happy... it must be partly due to the show and of course, although i hate to admit it, the company. There were no stars but a half moon. :) what joy. haha.
in the afternoon,spike n i walked from orchard to city hall and we ate rosti!! yum yum! and then i bought orange chocolate from marks and spencers. i must go shop at marks and spencers with my mom! there's like so much nice stuff there to grab and tryy!!!! heehee.we were checking out books at MPH :) cool! i got toby's litt's exibitionism. haha :) we were just browsing and browsing and browsing...i got really tired standing....got introduced to "chick lit". Confessions of a shopaholic? haha it's quite an easy read and it's fun!!!THANK YOU TOO! :)) time flies when ur having fun.... i took at cab home at around 1.50am.
loved yestedae so damn much... :)
Saturday, May 29, 2004 07.59 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

these girls dont even know the name of my pants
haha no kazaa? Fret not... there's Lime wire. :) haha listening to My band now. hee. so nice. u have to watch My band's MTV. haha
checked my fat % again yesterday...it's a freaking high of 21%.i need to exercise n wat normally!!!!the fat % will reduce!now i know why people have this misconception of fats turning in muscle because if i eat properly, n exercise a lot... i will lose fat mass and gain muscle mass.. to think tt before i wasnt' happy tt i was exercising and not losing weight. but yea i dont wanna lose weight. i wanna lose fat mass. tralalala. thanks to the PE dept and aminah for explaining some of this to me. Sometimes, humans can really be oblivious to the truths coz they hold such a narrow view on things... like ME right now!
it's the last day of skl! suddenly i'm happy about it. shall bring my polaroid cammy today...
and i had a really good relaxing talk with my kind friend ydae coz we were deciding what to do with the kind of mess i'm in.haha and thanks to spike, who was contributing to my testimonial. i have to write my own testimonial again! haha. i wonder why the fates make this so.
suddenly i have lost all inspiration to write....
Events:
exams after June
performance on june 17th at utterly art.
watch zaitoichi an shrek2.
Friday, May 28, 2004 05:30 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

troy troy troy
i like the very name of it. haha i'll call my sons Troy, Achilles, Patroclus, Theodore and my daughters Peseas, Briseis. Spent some time checking out The Illiad online. :) yummy stuff, which continues with The Odyssey. I'm just totally swooning over Eric Bana in curly hair and of course Brad Pitt. My gosh! lalala damn nice & delicious can. After skl, i rushed to chicken high to watch some syf performances. oh well... nj did very well i must say. :) LAter we went sixth avenue for coffee, bread and a teenie weenie catch us session between Edith, Shu Han, Michelle & me. haha The place is lyke so posh*. yea... there's are invisible labels pasted every where saying, "high class & ur nose better be high up in the air". haha. Men and how we construe things in our fashion. Really this is apparent everyday, everywhere! oh i ate cheescake ydae for like after so long..... :) haha. would want to eat at tt brazilian restaurant one day...soon! But it was nice seeing old friends once again... i feel like i wont lose them. but hey tt line is such a curse. And if i keep thinking tt way, forces may try their utmost best to prove me wrong.
I went to buy stuff again after mich cut her hair at pointers,far east before going to wotch bewitching troy... haha hey i'm beginning to have favourite shops at far east, where u can find much better clothes than the usual. Later we went roof climbing and woah singapore looked so chio... it was scary and minimum noise had to be made lest the guards catch us. You could really die up there. hehe. it was very very pretty & much more windy compared to ground level. And i loved the fact that Singapore's high rise buildings littered the skyline with their lights. oh pretty sight. It makes singapore so alive. I felt like breathing everything in. :) The heat was just wrapping my legs in those jeans. haha Hark the herald angel sing.
Later i met my dad for supper at newton circus. He even brought the newspaper cutting on which were good places to eat over there... haha but when we go there, the good shops were all closed. Business too good i guess... :)
and yea take a look at the last five minutes of sunset... :))

shall conclude with a silly song by the beach boys tt amanda is gaga over for god knows wvat reason...hahaha( credits to roy for lyrics)

wouldn't it be nice if we were older
then we wouldn't have to wait so long
and wouldn't it be nice to live together
in a kinda world where we belong

you know it's gonna make it that much better
when we can say good night and stay together

wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
in the morning when the day is new
and after having spent the day together
hold each other close the whole night through

happy times together we've been spending
i wish that every kiss was neverending
wouldn't it be nice

maybe if we're thinking wishing hoping praying
it might come true
baby then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't do
we could be married
and then we'd be happy
wouldn't it be nice

you know it seems the more we talk about me
it only makes it worse to live without it
but let's! talk about it
wouldn't it be nice
-beach boys, from Fifty First Dates. :)

take my breath away.
Saturday, May 15, 2004 08:43 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

i am a spoilt brat!
good morning my pretty quiet world. Just completed the five pple u meet in heaven. somehow it doesn't impact me as much as i had liked it to. Maybe i'm just shallow.or i can't really be bothered about the book. Okay if i think a lil more i'd say, the ending was expected. and the part where he meets his wife is naturally, sweet. And once again, the book like many other things advocate that keeping quiet doesn't mean getting over it. It will still haunt you.
I'm so glad my dad gave up trying to bug me to sleep. so i won't get agitated and have no mood.
Syf is in two days. make that one. I go through this non sleep ritual. haha and i discovered Lilith likes to run. And like everyone, Lilith has a deep dark secret. Oh i know the ultimate secret she has...but it won't really make sense. It would, but it would transform her from shallow bitch to unshallow self delusional, strongly motivated liar to one's self, bitch.
Yeo man service rocked today. we cleaned the table for like ten minutes. Then later i talked with my darling. Leaving S to talk to XR. poor S... aiyah. coz although XR is a nice girl, she's so domineering on what pple want to do. Like how canu ever deal with tt!
i can't download kazaa lite coz i have to pay. and i have to credit card nor PAyPaL. What the heck is paypal? is it something we kids can use? doubt not. will check it out later.
I learnt some new stuff today. Okay more like confirm, not learn. About self indulging in one's sadness and misery. I guess i chose that. especially in my upper secondary years. i mean... is that what first love does to you. haha i can really say i enjoyed swimming in misery. Enjoyed and hated it at the same time...but never strong enough to pull myself out of it. So ...yes i can finally answer tt question. i dont love tt ***** afterall. It was just my first heartbreak and i made such a big fuss about it.
Adele talked about not caring about others and being very selfish if i chose to go into a coma instead of stir awake when i fainted a few yrs ago. We talked about the selfishness of certain people tonight. Although some of us are sad, the fact that we show it and dwell into for far too long and the fact tt it affects people and pulls them down is really a selfish act. Especially if we chose to revel in our melancholy. Oh it's so easy to do, so fun to do. Like popping a pill, except in a very self preserving manner, well most of the time.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 03:48 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

happy
listening to the soulful tunes of Madonna's ray of light. i love that cd. And you know the beauty of not sleeping is you enjoy the real silence of the suburbian night. The music on radio is terrific. and the beauty of the metamorphasis from darkness to dawn is splendorous.... Right now... i feel like peace like a river. i feel as new as a brand new day.

wore my zara skirt ydae!! haha oh well. it's something new. there was sooooo many pple in town la! public holiday. saw some sa J3s. haha saw worm and co! ewwwwww.... But hey there are more and more good loooking guys on the street i realised! perhaps i came out on the correct dae. :) haha like woah... the men are taking care of their looks finally! haha

on friday, we hung out at youth park. the drama people that is. Truth or dare was haunting... it got to me the whole freaking morning on saturday.but i'm not gonna talk about it. it plagued me for one day liao. The drama people took neo print too. The more i look at it, the more i think drama people are just soooo good lookin! :)) heehee. yay. serena successful passed off as an adult as she bought us some light (very light) booze. i was treated to orange ginger muffin! And so many of us agreed tt more ginger would be good. haha i feel like we have so much in common and sometimes, tt feeling just makes you happy. But the whole evening just bonded us :) terrific. :)AND i'm very happy spike now owns a TOPMAN long sleeve shirt! :)) And i was treated to nice new zealand natural ice cream. ate so many flavours! hazelnut crunch was yum. fruit flow was great as usual.and lemon sorbet favoured his tastebuds. hahaha. yum yum yum. lalala.

i can't believe i'm so happy. i dunno freaking why?!!! :)) so am i naturally happy? :)

perhaps i'm just content tt i'm dealing with things i never expected to deal with. It's a mature approach, whereby the two people in the conflict/situation just be honest and talk. yea honest, may sound ideal. maybe i'm just reveling in sterile, mistake free idealism. But hey i've come to a stage where it's no more, i bear my grudges till the end of my days and regret not saying anything. It's like, let's talk about it. :) yay. i feel a cm older on the maturity scale. i even say good bye to my mom now. haha yea perhaps i'm slow.
Sunday, May 2, 2004 07:14 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

you'll never grow fat from a donut hole
i dread PE later... i dread it not coz i dont like PE but it'll just be a waste of my stupid time. And it isn't because i have no time. I just dont like other people controling the way i utilise my time. haha humans....

Yesterday we had drama till quite late. My mom watched me perform. haha She didn't look impressed. You know it when people are impressed. ANd when we practiced, the audience reaction was as forced as how we acted, on the first run. Correction, how i acted. Well, Kenny, i'll keep ur word in mind. It's the reaction part tt needs working. Eating breakfast and bloggin. It's bread from cold storage. The cheap long soft wholemeal loaf :)

Aside from the fact that i was quite tired during drama, though i hate to admit it bcoz i wonder why i couldn't "control" my tiredness and put it aside for a while or something. So i slept when i got home and everything's in a mess. My head isn't "packed". My things are strewn every where. There's bio prac today?? I think C is starting his anti-janice thing again. And that really sucks. Dont think it'll get any better coz i screwed up the bio test last week. oh well.

However, ydae, at drama, i hugged some people. Sometimes we hug people but we don't actually wanna hug people. The hug becomes an empty one. One that doesn't leave you longing for a longer hug. haha. Ydae was different. ydae, i meant it and my friends meant it back. we all probably, NEEDED some real hug, then and there. Didn't know drama could be so woah~. And yea, energy level, i have a clearer picture of what the heck it is now. k perhaps i should pack my bag and get ready and stuff now... cheers.
Thursday, April 29, 2004 05:57 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

january rayne
listenin to january rain by david gray. we'll be using it our play. it's really serene. sigh. what a nice song, from a nice movie, serendipity. Today clarabelle and meijun came back from auzzie. Which reminds me, of the person, who reminds me of this song, of john cusack, of the movie, of the scene where they meeet in the ice skating ring and the snow drops fell and they brought the gloves. :)) hahaha silly silly me. Shen gave me a really nice note, with a really nice poem.Thank you cheeky monkey. In jc, everything is so scientific and esential, there is no room for cultivating of poetic drawl. Jiaxian is in the army. haha i think it's really amusing.army and messaging??!! hahaha.
-went running with mandy candy. a very very very pleasant 8 rounds :) talked about why we do something, why we dont and all these stupid things humans are inclined to do, especially in the areas of amor.
January rain is speechless. it has no lyrics. it's just... pretty. i should be like september rain... :) hee~ i dunno why of all months september. yay. nicer songs for my mp3. i really know how to please myself ay.
i would really like to thank all my classmates for their effort. haha i think we can have the ice cream all to ourselves lor! waaaa so nice. we were cooking the prata non stop. they were scooping the ice cream non stop too! :)) ode ode ode ole. Gloria is running today and so is shen. del is badmintoning right now. manda is with her odac pple. w/out bren's hotplate, we'd be dead. and don didnt come today. oh well... what an exiciting day. and faz, thanks for the shorts. and zn's gf, thanks for ur aj team shirt! woah!~ why am i writing all this down when i know all of them dont read this! hahaha oh well... i'm here to rant! that's why. what a blessed day. nicole highway accident. the weight conscious indian teachers didn't patronize the store. damn. :) yea whatever.
and so many nice movies to watch! haha
Tuesday, April 20, 2004 06:25 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

im not a perfect person. there's many things i wish i didn't do.
got home quite late yesterday once more. THen i went to bake. Made Rum balls and strawberry dipped with chocolate! :)) yummy tum tum. my mom said it's very nice! really hope it will sell. Later baking with friends after tution at my house for international friendship day on tuesday. Sigh there's this freaking bio test next saturday on ALOT of topics. Right now i juz feel too rich in sugar. been snacking again. Which is terrible. I have no night and day and my eating times are all over the place. It's so messy i feel groce. But i finally chucked more nice songs into my mp3 so i'm gonna take a extra nice nice bath and start on my work with the mp3!! :)))

but i continue learning. and so i have tosay b4 i go, that i just want you to know, i found a reason for me, to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you. i'm sorry tt i hurt you, it's something i must live with everyday, and all the pain i put u through, i wish tt i could take it all away and be the one who catches all ur tears,tt's why i need you to hear, i found a reason for me, to change who i used to be. The reason to start over new, and the reason is you.
hai... how true are these lyrics?? Will someone ever change completely for someone?? crap i thought not. But the more i think, the more it's true. Some exceptional things change us forever, and make us who we become.
Sunday, April 18, 2004 09:00 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

black is beautiful
So we laid on the black bed, bodies entwined like vines. The curtains were drawn to hide the sun, putting the room into a little black dress. And we watched the spider crawl seductively on the blemished walls. A celebration of lithe and gothe.
From left: me, mark, spike, paul.
went for vigil yesterdae at good shepard with my parents and invited mark, spike and paul along. :) vigil lasted two hours. quite long la... but it's alright. :) Glad they all came. Vigil was kinda cool. It was a grand affair. i was a bit sleepy and headachey but it was kinda good nonetheless. It help easter make more sense to me coz i was struggling to stay awake and focus. :) haha oh well. And for the first time i juz invited my friends to see my parents made it even more special :)) haha. They didn't seem to mind. Later we went to carlton to eat. We ate pizza and spag and bread and i forgot to order my stupid cod fillet. It's such a small world, coz paul, my aj philippino friend is Mark's legion of mary friend at SJI. and i invited spike to sit in for vigil but i didn't tell him it's two hours! sorry babe. :/ haha. Sevice ended pretty late la and i'm not recoverying from my illness. blasting Melanie again. She doesnt help put me into the mood for work. She makes me wanna blog and do admin stuff like typing. haha probably why i'm here.
dinner was quite fun. Water according to mark and paul tasted like diswashing liquid. the pizza was salmon and cheese. yum yum. spike was on the fone with his mom. i mixed pepper and salt and sugar together in a spoon for fun and poured it under the cup. Paul told a mr bean joke. blah blah. :)) i dunno. it's juz nice. one day, i'll walk from newton to orchard. so exciting. :)) all of us seemed to like taking walks. 30 km per day?!! haha lol. After our late dinner, my parents fetched all of them home and we took pictures in the car!!! yay. :)Got home at two plus, bathed and collapsed on bed.
I juz had green pea soup with ham from the can. I'm patronizing the Heinz family. haha. It sucks bein sick. there is absolutely no mood to do anything. BUt thank God for ADOBE!!! haha makes all photo editing possible :). and the pea soup is voila. juz a lil too high in sodium, like a lot of Heinz products. "gaga, crazy, foolish, for wanting you. Stupid, cupid, he's a drag, he's not like you. People say tt it's insane we always go for pain, but it hurts, yes it hurts, yes it hurts." oh man. i juz love tt song even though it's kinda crappy.
:))
Sunday, April 11, 2004 11:30 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Hello there, the angel from my nightmare.
I went home at twelve ydae. going home later and later everydae. My life is changing. Ate at ying again at BK coz yishun is pathetic and we want aircon. Funny. i call her Rui on sms and Ying online. HMMM okae good morning world. Nice to start with listening to the soothing tori and now i'm replaying i miss you by blink again. Like walau. haha gonna try to download Dawn of the Dead, as recommended by Clement and since i can't find my DRAG queen videos for free. gosh i'm a criminal. :)))

The closest i got to finding drag queen videos tt weren't PORN, was the "fire Fly invasion" video thing where the gay community gathers at Fire Island. I tell you ah, all the gays! haha and their costumes! and their advocation for Gay marraiges. "we're a domestic couple". :))) haha

i'm rolling my eyes at my dad's statement that congee has no oil! my ass la! wadever. i'm not going to rebutt.
been thinking about stuff again this morning. Thinking about how simple life can be, and why i just keep doing the things i dont really want to do! LIke i'm this close to doing what i really want, and i do something else, not tt i can't help myself but tt i juz dont wanna make it right!

haha and i've been excited about my Chavez project for GP, to the point tt i think i tot i won't do a good job coz i'll juz try to dump a basket of info onto the visualizer on mondae.

my mom is sick so today, for the first saturdae, she's juz chilling out at home, only because she's too unfit to go anywhere else. hope she get's well soon! and i really hope i can go for the bbq tonight!!!!

let's keep it simple! As simple as being urself in acting. Find Lilith in Janice so to speak. sigheyeye... :))
It's simple yet challenging. drama three times a week, tt's my life now. tt's cool. :) now imagine, i underlined "tt's cool" and drew an arrow pointing at it and i wrote "what the heck at unpointed end of the arrow.
With the taste of ur lips, i'm on a high, your toxic tongue slippin under.
Saturday, April 3, 2004 09:49 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

I am Lilith, tempter of all men
my friends are having NAPFA test right now... and i'm at home...feeling sick, feverish, sleepy, sucked up. Did some research today. There isn't Adventures of Priscilla-Queen of the desert in Kazaa and my mom doesn't wanna buy the dvd for me anw. Think i have a sore throat and haha i do have fever. I'm gonna visit the doc soon. Did work in the kitchen yesterday till three plus and i buried my head into the mess in front of me. would diffusion work? i hoped so once again. Well spike said something about finishing hmwork. ANd yes it isn't about finishing homework...but knowing ur work. and Finally... i'm admiting it, when u do ur work, doNT leave the memory work for later, remember now. PRobably why my organic chem sucks is tt i dont BOTHER to remember. haha

think in the course of this morning i've been around the world. Visited South America coz i was researching on Hugo Chavez, the political leader of Venunzuela. What is he? A leftist, rightist? Guess he can't make up his mind. Bloody hell la... my dad wakes up and all peace is disrupted.... i'm freaking irritated right now!!!!!

whatEVER!!!!!!!!
and in my pathetic attempt to understand bitches, i went to visit drag queen homepages.... which erm told me nothing on how to act like any of them, but yea, there are drag queen services, like posh, beautiful lookin, over make uped clowns. So sad right. And they have to keep putting a smile on their face even though they like like ****. oh well... i got a taste of that ydae. PRobably why i felt drained of all my energy, felt empty. I have to get into character. Tmr's another rehershal. Serena put it so aptly, she's stressed. I guess, stressed is the word for me. Now do i go buy myself a cleo magazine? haha i dont like cleo man. If i were to buy a female mag, it's be Her World, or Vanity Fair or something. I juz love the pictures of skinny women, their oh so classy dresses, their cold hard-to-get faces and sunken cheeks, they dull eyes tt speak of sadness behind the make up, the melancholy behind their pulchritude. oh yes... and once again, the clothes, the vamp catwalk, those high heels and bold designer wear, and all that jazz. :))) gonna go see the doctor's. wanted to do chem though. oh well...
Thursday, April 1, 2004 08:23 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

this isn't my reality.
Dont waste ur time on me, you're already a voice inside my head.
i'm with the skaterboy, i said see you later boy, we'll meet right after the show.
You wash over me, like sunshine.
You're toxic tongue slippin under. I'm addicted to you. Dont you know that ur toxic.
On the phone long long distance, always through such great resistance.
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care,but when i need you baby, you're never there.
Those days u were wearing that velvet dress, ur the priestess i must confess.
When everything's made to be broken, i just want you to know who i am.
Intuit...
Subwae.
So far away, leave me to myself.
Today we had cca fair... and later my friend and i went to eat at subway. I ate oatmeal raisin cookies! and sweet onion teriyaki sauce :))
Laaalaa...Then later i met some others and i was shopping for a skirt and a top...the dresses in far east are getting really sickening... some shops are drenched in total pink. i mean gimme a break! the sight is suffocating!!! ugh.... haha and yes shops with bad music, are too sucky to consider. Finally bought this insanely nice top from Future state! :)) And later i went to the third floor to get my skirt! my friend helped me chose the skirt! Finally my apparel was settled... i tell you, it's such a relieve. We then walked out of far east and headed to hmv. lalala i saw cel, and some of the other aj council people who were gonna take neoprint. haha town... HMV definitely has better clothes la... The basement of far east has become too disappointing! HMM and i juz found out my friend is a friend of the guys who own three shops in far east. so amusing. haha i remember i bought another friend presents from tt shop. i like the element sign. So finally, we went for church. :))) Then later we took a walk to peninsula plaza and then finally headed home... Got home so thirsty.... Went to drink water and have my dinner... Watched the cable guy. Jim Carey is depressing and relentless and insane!!!!! and ben stiller was the director. haha so corny... i think it's really a cheap show! but yea... Listening to flower Duet from Lakme.
good night world.... :(
Saturday, March 27, 2004 11:47 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

i miss you---blink 182.
We had our first drama practice at night today until nine. What a hillarious time i had today... Nat confused me!!! He said he flying off to was Hong Kong and then he said he canceled his trip and then later he said, he was kidding. LOL. happy trip nat sweetie. Tmr is CCA fair. I still look back at the times during NPCC where we will plan for CCA months before the actual day. Right now, we just do things, the day before. Or is my CCA??!! :)) It's just such a big difference la.
i can't remember my lines too well....which is quite bad. Listening to Sweet Surrender by sarah.Practice was kinda cool. It was raining when we started. So we had a curry puff and kfc mini feast. THen we started practice proper. Had fun imagining we were on stage in a TV show. Everyone had to take on roles of certain people on stage. Like a cleaner, or stage manager, or camera man?? :) haha Roy is a natural. But the other characters loved to take it on the floor manager. Their soliloquys consist of them squabbling about the manager. Of course there were the exceptional few, who were happy to earn "" a month, or (ahem!) people who can't make up their mind on whether caffeine is good for the body. We practiced on the AJ square n ended at 9 plus! :)) Everyone was so hungry... The raisin bread i brought finally had some use and we whacked the bread :)) Later i had dinner with Ying at Bk and we talked! goodie. Tmr is dress up day once again. oh no... i'm gonna be some air head clad in a air head dress!!! haha yr slept liao i guess... is there point sleeping when it's already three? i'll pack my stuff tmr, lest i wake my parents up... :)good night and i just gotta love tt song. The Cable Guy awaits tmr!!! whoohoo. :)
Saturday, March 27, 2004 02:57 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Honey Bunch of Oats with real strawberries
I finally mailed them to ask questions pertaining to the letter i recieved. Every time i think about it i dunno whether i should be happy or not. I mean i'm honoured but i'm scared. Scared i'll feel i made such a big fuss over nothing. There u go. Probably i really didn't like feeling that way before. I mean, obviously. haha I still find it amusing that i'm writing such things on my blog. Things about me that make me, really me. Like since when? haha but i think i do have an answer for that. I've been reading, well quite honest blogs and i realised, it's not so bad. We are humans. That means, we are sure to have something ugly about ourselves, whether we like it or not. Of course, the definition of ugly depends on the individual. :) I think i need not state my definition.

My bio teacher said "No Man is an Island". And Mark told me the same thing.Coincidentally.
Often i wish to leave school just to study at home for the rest of the months until my A levels. I have this affinity of solitude because i think if i am alone, i can have everything going my way. My time. My plan. My style of studying. Goodness... i am sick of even writing about it. It jus goes to show often this thought runs through my head. What is this though? Atavistic nature of man?

I have CCA today. Interesting... :) Things in school have been quite good. My class is in charge of making Fusion Food for international friendship day. There are no tests so no one's really cranky. The J ones that are staying in AJ for good have arrived and i can see some people who are really unhappy to be here. haha what's new right. AJ looks like ****. BUt of course there are AJ fanatics who told my AJenterprise friend how they got 8points but chose to stay coz AJ is "so exciting!!!!!!". haha yea how nice. thanks much! :) lol. Well i can't wait for Drama to start :) I get to try to be someone else! And it's aesthetic! TGIW. Thank God for wednesday. haha muingee is a baker's inn fan too :) And good luck to my friends who have common tests right now!!! (edith? 74? :))) Where are the weapons of mass destruction?!
Wednesday, March 24, 2004 06:35 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

at the substation
this is life. We're all in jc. we just finished catching Helmi's performance at the substation. and all of us are going home. to study, to rest, to eat, etc. None of us are going out! maybe it's AJ. Maybe it's the a levels... heard tt mn is studying at home everydae. we dress, nicely. no more board shorts for the girls. all of us opted for a-bit-more-formal. except audrey, who was clad in boardshorts and shirt and spotted with adi. haha tsk tsk. an indian romance. no la... it's just me n my little head talking rubbish again. jo came with kun kun. victor dressed nicely for once today. roy came with a hair band, spunky! del came with her new hair cut. it looks less hostile. shen n rui couldn't catch it. neither could wenhao, audrey and roi.Eating scones for supper.adele's papa kindly fetched me home today. and i slept like a log from braddell to yishun.tgif!tmr is sat!!
Saturday, March 20, 2004 12:06 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

cannot touch
cannot hold
cannot be together.
Cannot love
cannot kiss
cannot have each other.
Must be strong
and we must let go.
Cannot say what
our hearts must know.
How can i not love you?
What do i tell my heart?
When do i not want you here in my heart?
How does one walk away,
from all of the memories?
How can i not miss you
here in my heart?
Tuesday, March 9, 2004 06:45 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

shock
goodness... news of all news...
as i started warming up to do some GP work, i recieved an sms from the person i least expected. That so very familiar number flashed ontop of the screen. A reply i never expected to get. A reply i LEARNT never to expect to get. But it wasn't you. It's ur mom. So she digs your phone. But you've gone away to melbourne. And she thanks me for her thoughtfulness. Woah. You didn't even tell me. You probably wont read this so heck it. YOU DIDNT TELL ME!!! dammit. of all things. Of all the memories. Of all the .... wadever la... no last message of good bye even from the airport? What is this??!!! i dont really care if ur gone actually. I dont feel anything. I'm numb. You were always there, and not there. A looming presence. I could only assume in vivo, we crossed each's other's thoughts. And nothing else would happen. Not even a decent conversation. lalala okae... so i hope ur enjoying urself in Melbourne. You chose to forget. You dont chose to deal with the problem. i guess i'd have to follow suit. commendable effort on keeping to your convictions of wanting to forget. I couldn't breach the bastions of power but ur running away...haha now i dont care, i dont care, i dont care. What the heck am i trying to justify? to whom am i justifying this to. No body. oh well... peace be with you. I hope u find greener pastures there :) and may the wind carry my hopes to you.
Friday, February 27, 2004 09:39 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

irksome,tantrum.
Was thinking when will i ever reach home before the sun sets, and today i did, after Yeo man's service. I was cleaning all the tables in the canteen and the benches too, with a simple cloth, greyed with unremovable dirt, the wonderful solvent which we call water, and a trust worthy bottle of Jif. Mr sim, told me, this was to guard against the Avian Flu and i guess that helped me get through 45 min of cleaning the canteen without even realising 45 minutes slipped my hands just like that. Haha It's interesting. I've never done detention before. And i was doing it alone! Of course i felt weird. I didn't have the usual bastions this time, because del and mandy were home already and bren went for talent time auditions. haha Mui Ngee and her friends are performing too... So is Alison and Nicole!

We received our year books today. Donsia and I are not in our class photo and i'm so proud of it! haha Probably because i find it unique not to be in the picture. Joel commented that the yearbook made AJ look like a really fun place to be. Indeed it did. As i walked to class after lunch, I saw so many AJcians' noses diving into the yearbook, reading or flipping through religiously and i felt, well Horizon could be used as a really good tool for propaganda. The Horizon's committee did a great job in making this year's year book. I think AJ's photographic society rocks too! They take breath taking, awestriking snapshots. Haha maybe they're using a damn good camera... I'm suddenly drained. It's a slow day today. I feel as slow as how my evening went... At the void deck, they were chanting prayers for someone who died. I always have the inclination to write about it. There's something in it that mystifies. Like "what in the world are they saying?" and "what's actually happenin in the spirit world while the monks chant?" ooooo someone's home! hmmm i hear the heels cling clang on the floor, it's my mom, duh. My dad will never wear heels. Oh my goodness... my mom signed up to california fitness gym... walau. haha quite cool. Let's watch her lose weight, or fail to lose weight. i'm so evil right. arg.... i feel so self indulgent suddenly. My mom hasn't eaten??!! My parents always ask "have you eaten?" i think the answer is terribly obvious there isn't a need to even ask it. Of course i've eaten..... I feed myself very sufficiently actually. Crap i'm thirsty. brb... Now my mom asks if she could turn on the TV. I reply, of course! I mean i'm not doing any work am i not. haha i guess she doesn't know la. And she switches to chinese channel to watch her drama serial. And i'm thinking, can u for once please watch something more mentally rewarding? Like a documentary? or the news? or some art programme? No she watches chinese serials about office politics. The one where "Ah cheng" stars. I mean come on la, i'm so tired of seeing his stupid face. I'm tired of him always playing the good guy. I'm tired of him acting innocent and all confused. Yah right la. I mean grow up dammit. Take on another role. I know you aren't like that in real life. I'm tired of hearing the hokkien intro tune played everytime the commercials stop airing and the show starts again. crap. wotever. I must be horribly bored... making a storm in a tea cup about trivial domestic blah. Like im so bored man... Ugh. i hold strong contempt for that. I feel bathed in Caesar's blood. Not caesar the ruler, but caesar the housewife, with such a misleading name.

Haha a nice line from The story teller by Saki, courtesy of Shen kiat:" The word horrible in connection with goodness was a novlty that commended itself."
I should just shuddup
Tuesday, February 24, 2004 11.30 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||| 38% Schizoid |||||||||||| 46% Schizotypal |||||||||| 38% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 62% Histrionic |||||||||||||| 58% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 50% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Dependent |||||||||||| 46% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 50%

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jan : ex stnicks : ajc : ex snnp : ex pmb :
ex sa debator : drama : 17 going on 18 (soon!)

well well. Hello 2004. "and welcome to skin deep. The tv programme, that let's you have a new face, a new body, a new life, all for free! All you have to do, is let us put YOU under the Knife of Doctor Chong MEi Mei on my left!"---SkinDeep.

The fortunate cookie:
my not-so-guai 12/03
Pussified 03s74
God for everything
beaut!ful aj ld( dysfunctional
my ass.Whoever defined
functional anywae?)
Love, it gives life a reason
friends, for being there
parents for love,concern n cash.

i did it. i did it. i did it! yay happy :) thank god! okaes... i'm elated. here are the pictures :)
secondary uniform day!
ah nia
ajc part 2
the 5 hour dinner
analysis of 3 beings
short trip
s74 foreva

just press pLay.
ajc is NOT boring!
viva la st nicks
Family.