got new pics. go see.
good morning world. editing pictures. purposely done to waste my time and feel accomplished doing SomEthing. haha chem's relly bad for me. can't even do no shi*. but oh well :) my eyes are tired but looking at photos really make me happie. :) which reminds me... i have to email mrs cheong on econs! how forgetful and how i get so carried away.
had nice chocomint pretzel todae! pUre elation.
studied with olive and nat @ orchard lib and saw fel, n the 2 rebs. :) haha nice to see em!
good luck to everyone mugging!
and to those who are going to sch soon, yea, finally the tyme has arrived!
i feel (finally) like getting good sleep.
had an odd dream... bout my dad leaving the car when it was on the road...and i had to climb to the front and take control of the car. my adventure included smashing into a benz, swerving 270 degrees, and yes finally driving properly! oddities. :) haha
my dad wants to go canada and set up a home for e aged. i hopes he does. he isn't happy w his current jobs. lotsa politics. yes i detest tt as well. :) oh well. hope cel enjoyed her party. sad we all didnt really dance.
k i'm uploading pictures to shutterfly. bean told me web shots much better. oh well. :)
but yes this is the benefit of broadband. i can upload ten pics at a go! with normal 56k, it's a one by one thing. such a p.i.t.a! i juz got informed by my dad tt 1500, 3000, 512, is the frequency. woah i mean i didn't noe tt. sUa ku.
Saturday, June 28, 2003 12:19 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
oh well...
hmmm i guess the eccentric weather would be the talk on everyone's lips... slacking away on this important last week b4 stupid commons. i've juz bcome a godmother...again.. to george's new born, gwen! oh she's so cute! :) haha he sent us a pic through email. yea :) haha so cornie. nice name too. Gwen (stephanie...). Maybe pple in my sc friend's family are getting married. pple in my family are gettin babies...some families have their ancients...sadly passing away. Read e lyrics of "grow old with you". one can cry to e song! it's so sweet! haha :) tonkz. :)when i get cable...on thursdae...i'll go download tt darn song!
ydae, my dad talked bout opening a nursing home in canada! oh tt would be swell. finally my dad gets to be his own boss(if he ever does). he's so boss material. :) hmmm i really should be studyin :) oh well...
Tuesday, June 24, 2003 03:45 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
mundane
because of the housework i do nowadays,i've wondered, how can a maid never get bored vacumming and mopping e floor??!!Doing such household chores once in a while are actually fun! but doing them every-day, gets so(oooo) boring and it gives e maid alot of leeway to slack n not clean the house properly...so we cant expect em to keep e house spick ans span everyday right?? it's such a pyschological torture;the monotony of this errand.waltz far from e madding crowd. walk away from e insane hurly burly, stealthily, so no one knows you've gone.
Drift away like the ocean waves withrawing from e shore.
Sink into the deep dark blue, n cease to breathe.
Walk into e ground, ten feet under n let mud cover ur matted hair.
peace.
if there's one thing i love right now, it would be metaphors. They make parallels meet in the world in my head. They make cats talk and rabbits civilised to have tea. :)
but once again, i hatessss my imbecility for things
Thursday, June 19, 2003 08:39 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
-thanks shawn for sweet release. It chased the headache away.
-thanks k. for such a nice blog.
-adele...the proper lyrics are:
swing swing swing from the tangles of
my heart is crushed by a former love.
Can you help me find a way
to carry on again?
happy rowing boat todae.
-and yes, to everyone i miss, i miss you.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003 02:58 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
i have a cloud in my head
i'm home from tuition. painted my nails. read through math. learnt R formula, T formula and small approx. i seem to be contented with basic knowledge such as this. haven't even touched my tutorials. am reading through k's blog right now. read through eliz, char's, ju's n jacob's. hurhur. the power of links. got some fibre in my stomach now too but as usual...i couldnt sit still reading the newspapers over dinner todae. i think i can only sit still infront of the com... hmmm madness. did a few mad things ydae. msged like crazy. reminded myself, once again of things tt happen in the past. Like how i love to run after my shadow when i jog on the rd. it keeps me moving. k do they both seem to have a connection... no... but yea the shadow, my past, they all belong to me. goodness sometimes i wonder whether i am juz too narcistic for my own damn good. Narcism...ugh. loving one self. i either dun really understand the meaning of this word or i am too narcisstic, i dun see my fault. i mean... i dun literally look into the mirror and tell myself i look so good... but the things i do and the work i produce... i seem to appreciate my own work best sometimes.... hai madness la...yesyes the holidays are here. and it's time to friggin mug.u noe wad i shall not even touch tt damn topic. coz i am not mugging. whenever i sae tt... i feel like i'm cursing myself. haha it feels so square one once again.Like i've contemplated on all these things before. and all i do is push them aside. i dun wanna get any deeper.
here's another thought... i like relationships tt are rather distant. somehow...closeness scares me.hmmm warped isn't it...
and sad songs...always remind me of the same thing. maybe tt's why i cant forget. coz all sad songs seem to relate to one entity! growLz~... todae i heard "you're a god", and i heard "here is gone" and "unwell". And all of them boil down to one thing. harhar
but i was also thinking... here's something i would maybe spend my whole life getting depressed about but tt doesn't mean this is the something i need to would love. Bin was discussing bout who are people she'd love and who are people she'd fall for and who are people she'd simply like. ANd long long time ago, whitney wrote a short poem on the aftercrush. So yes...what happens after crushing someone. What do we want out of all our cravings for someone? DO we know what lies ahead? Are we adoring something so pure tt the future seems blur? WHit wrote "the glow kinda faded. the feelings evaded".
hai finished reading catcher in the rye. it's a book about a guy who questions so much and judges so much, he doesn't know what he wants in his life coz everything ard him is so easily condemned... nothing seems good enough for him. SO he takes a break. And yes aren't breaks suppose to be enjoyable?? but he couldn't even survive till wednesday. He felt tired. I guess he was tired of EVERYTHING in his life. i guess this is just a phase. Sometimes coz we make ourselves do things too much, we juz blow one dae and pop goes the weasel. "i'm only pretty sure tt i can't take anymore...before u take the swing, i wonder...what are we fighting for..."
i wonder whether all this thinking makes me grow and mature as a person. coz i seem to always find myself in circles and circles...
watched Finding Nemo. so cute the show :) yay :)i like peach coz she's so pInk!and Dory is so funnie. there was this small boy behind us and he imitated Dory's fave "swimming" line. darn i can't even remember it.... haha mental retardation. WHy do teens love to screw up their lives?? tell me WHY! is it cooL? is it some hormone thing? haha goodness... it's so sinful to be a teen. hurhur. wadever. oh but i met manda n her clique in town. they all dressed so prettily. :) yay!
but sometimes i juz feel like erasing all my emotionally unstable entries. they are an irritant to read! so i shall stop my crap here.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003 08:59 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
just finished some admin thingys. my phone is refreshed n revamped. reread my entry yesterday. i was quite mad. glad del dragged me out awy. It was Mr pillai's birthday n we went to bedok market place to makan. never been there before. Passed my expo n it was so huge. Like WOa~h :) and the carpark was open air. A familiar sight that floods the brain with memories of my time spent in USA. How many gazillian times i've went grocery shopping there with my relatives. I juz love grocery shopping. miss brendan n his four-year old antics. i miss everything.Dinner was filling like hell. it consisted of: prawn paste chicken, chilli crabs, pepper crabs, kai lan, steam live prawns, noodles, steam buns, pork ribs, rice. For six people. two of which hardly ate(del's grannie n her maid). so basically four of us dined. i felt like a bloatted pig! dammit. but del could read my dammit mind... she knew i was thinking why didnt i like my xtrim b4 dinner! arg...i came home and wanted to do bit of exercise b4 i waltz myself onto the bed. But of course, tt plan failed miserably.plonk onto the bed i went. talked for long long long hours. Sometimes running out of things to say. Sometimes babbling incoherently due to the unintentional slipping into tempting repose due to sheer exhaustion n wretched health. my flu's subsiding thank god. it muz be the medicine. mom forced down 2 orange pills(happy pills~) into lazy janice as she laid morosely on her bed. spoilT. :) hurhur now i can pretty much breath again.
so i woke up at seven. n cooked bfast. decided to try something different. cooked sunny side up with a mayo-mushroom-onion-soy sauce-lil sugar mix. and yea it was good! (2 legs baad... 4 legs goood... haha) Then i contemplated over the phone (haha now u know how i sound like when i cook) on what accompanying dish i should conjured up! :| i sound like a witch with a cauldron. Cooked rice vermicelli! yay :) goodiegoodie... but i so wanted to add raisins into the stir fried noodles. haha in the end i did. okae, so raisins n noodles dont match! i ate all the raisins up n left the noodles there with the other ingredients for my parents! blissful insanity...
but i was so dammit early and so... i slept all the wae till one in the afternoon, which is so amazing for me! yay i was elated. haha yea okae mom's coming home from facial! feel like doing my eyebrows. she's home with popiah! yay.
Saturday, June 7, 2003 02:40 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
unravel
i wanna live life,
and never be true
i wanna live life
and be good to you.
i wanna fly
and never come down
and live my life
with my friends around
we never change do we?
no
no
no...
we never learn do we?
this has been such a wonderful and sad day. wonderful coz i cried. cried twice in school. am crying now. I couldn't cry for LD on wednesday. well see me cry now!dammit.
Why am i brooding over things when all else in my life i am so dammit fortunate. what the fuct. why cant i be so appreciative.
dammit i shall stop asking myself why. Why can't i cry. haha what the fuck la i dun feel like writing. i sound superficial as hell. not coz what i'm writin is lies but tt i feel this is so familiar. How many thousand twits out there are crying their guts out over the stupidest things and writing away on their blogs. They are not stupid to my heart. why can't i juz take them as stupid. My range of friends are wide and they belong to many schools of thoughts. I'm getting so confused right now. All the advice thrown at me is different. down with a terrible flu. sneezing like every 5 seconds... goodness i feel like a drug addict with teary tired eyes and a numb nose and useless taste buds. del i'm gonna sneeze on ur papa's dinner. well visit me nonetheless. :)
hai the thing about me is i think i'm over emotional and it sucks. It sucks esp when i have to make decisions abt relationships and love. The past week, my brain was thinking who needs to be attached. We've got a long way to go. Why deprive urself. THen again deprive of what? adele has concluded we always look at the end b4 we do things. i guess for me, sometimes i do, sometimes i dont and when i dont it's coz i can't see it... or don't want to see it. ah... crazy. Sometimes it's the just-do-it-attitude.
del i really feel like doing wat ya suggested. the only thing tt will pull me out of this is, god, god will give me a sign to help me make my decision. To me, watever i do, i'd like to believe what i do is right so it's safe to carry on. i'm a sucker for safety. sucker for stability. sucker for tranquility. hai it's good and it bad. Jan there always has to be moderation! i think writing is good. when i ramble away, suddenly i think of methods to deal with my stupid overrated emotions.
just finished talking to my mom...dammit. everytime adele's parents ask me out for dinner i have to object coz my parents disapprove for no dammit reason. dammit! hai then she'll come up with this excuse tt i should go out with her instead. And when they ask del over for stuff, del agrees easily. where's the equality here?! where's the basic courtesy of compromise here! arg. damn and i almost cried over the phone with my mom. shit la wat is happened. k nothing is happening. i'm juz over reacting, over acting, over melodramatic, over emotionally swayed, over over over over over over over over.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why can't i juz focus on my work? why dont i cry over the fact tt my chemistry is such a screw up and i dun understand a single shit. Yea i noe it good. i like it. sometimes to fall into such pensive vulnerable states. sometimes i wish i could inject something in me to feel alive. rush of blood to the head. dilation of the pupils. nerves snapping inside you coz of the rush. I close my eyes and the world drops dead. a sudden outburst. my mouth opens and a gazillion minute invisible particles are choked out. They are a heavy burden but they aren't visible coz they blend in so well with the air. LIke air borne diseases. Silent yet potent. absorbing me dry. i wonder how it feels to have a bullet piercing through the head. the blood. the shock. the numbness. the moment where time seems to stop, coz ur heart stops beating? The moment where u wonder, is this how it feels to die?u noe sometimes i think my stupid thoughts are all a pile of ignorant trash and actually things are not like that. sometimes i think i'm too stupid to see the proper end.
you got me wrapped around ur finger.
do you have to
do you have to?
do u have to let it linger?
and to anyone who reads this, pls no comments. i'm fine.
reasons why i shall post this horrid entry:
1)i dun care
2)i dun expect help from anyone so if ur thinking that way, stop.
3)this is me, sometimes i am brave and sometimes i falter, like now.
Friday, June 6, 2003 04:29 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
pw sucks. hai no la... think i'm just venting my anger on pw. dammit.tired too. sleepy like shit... arg inbox dammit full... my eyes wanna break and snap. couldn't even do any single proving question in tut12... so gonna die! hai... god, hello, how do you do... jan draws the curtain. close. shut.
Thursday, June 5, 2003 01:54 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
A villanelle
i shut my eyes n the world drops dead
i lift my lids and all is born again.
(i think i made u up inside my head)
the stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
i shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
i dreamed u bewitched me into bed
and sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(i think i made you up inside my head)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'l return the way you said,
but i grow old and i forget your name.
(i made u up inside my head)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
at least when spring comes they roar back again.
i shut my eyes and all the world drops deads.(i think i made u up inside my head)
---Mad Girl's Love Song
by Sylvia Plath.
Sunday, June 1, 2003 08:49 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
coffee's good. allowed me to stay up, until now. but my eyes are bloody. they're tired. but fookit la. i had a rather splendid time doing my bio tutorials. it was so quiet and the music was not bad. Admist the boring genetic diagram drawing, i scribbled non-sense into my diary, played with colour pens, yada.passion has nice nice music at 6am :) so does 91.3. but for the 2am to 4am kind, listen to 987 or 980.
i've felt this way before. This i dunno what to do. The I-have-something-to-do-but-hey-gimme-a-break-i-shd-reward-myself idea in my head. The aftermath of caffeine. This feeling of being slightly drugged, unweLL, impractically awake. everyone needs a caffeine fix?
i am in dire need of sleep. Yet one thing still hangs heavy in my head... the poem tt i read when attempting to muse someone to sleep.
-i made u up inside my head-
n yes i muz must must commend hc for their very entertaining play.!!!
shit dizzy, migrane. shall get outta here!
Sunday, June 1, 2003 08:02 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
the sun sets on the wall, the dae breaks and everything is new~
i wonder how's it gonna when you're sure i'm not there. how's it gonna be when there's no one there to talk to, between u & me, coz i dun care how's it gonna be
these songs are swirling in my head, plus the humming tragic tune of the god father. these are what i call...evergreen. haha. i left school early todae. early enough to make me happy and allow myself to indulge in the songs stuck in my head. Poor people in school, having to sloth and drag their feet from one place to another in that dready school. We weren't even allowed to go out to cheer. what is the problem with em teachers?? hai. read cheng and rui's blog and i see i am not alone. so many pple actually dread school. man... hai oh well... dad cooked nice nice mushrooms todae. yay :) shit la tmr muz go sch again. siao. this is so siao and sian. i can imagine the scenario. my form teacher approaches me with a frown face and demanding an MC. every teacher who approaches u there is doing so coz you've got a problem. There are no conversations with teachers(hardly). teachers only tell u to hand in work or drone and teach or yada away during lectures. where is the warmth? the great great valley between students and teachers. a sign of authority. where is the damn warmth? it makes the place so stale. everyone has their seperate lifes. Like congregating at the same place and everyone goes into their pigeon hole and shuts the door until they can be release. Then everyone flies away like spores of a mushroom. flying everywhere, independent, self concerned, self bothered. i great irony to the school motto of "not for myself alone". i guess tt's the reason why it's their motto. coz until now, aj has never accomplished that. all we get from teachers are orders after orders, no compromise.
shit la. i better get back to chem. tomorrow is the beginning of a new era ! hurhur :) freedom at home. yea. :) oh well i guess i'll miss my dad being around though. it's all good and bad. but come what may. i juz do hope i make the best of what god has given me :)
Monday, May 26, 2003 05:40 p.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
You are Proverbs.
Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
haha is it unbelievable? answered the quiz sincerely though... hurhur. i dunno la.
Saturday, May 24, 2003 09:52 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t
shuakus~
victoria concert hall was brimming with jc students. a nostalgic meeting of old friends. No i had no flowers for the band members unlike many other hc pple. But there was a huge st nicks bunch and yea memories flood in through the broken dam in my head. would i ever miss aj the way i miss st nicks? or is aj simply my tunnel, a waiting place b4 i reach my destination?
gordon was playing. loved the piece Inchon-seoul. it starts n ends the same wae. mystical, majestic at certain times and very tragic yet hopeful at the same time. Me and bean dressed pretty. Her kind mom cooked a nice dinner. dry mee siam. it roCKZ! heehee and i met bean's elder sister! met adrian, david, a handful of sa pple i do not know, rebecca, another rebecca, cheryl n her ac pple, janice kong, wee wee, wei fang, kai qing, yada. ladidums. next week it's ld productions called rumours. sounds nice yah?? haha oh well. When the night ended, i felt so zombie-ish. bean had to wake up at 6am! :( poor baby. so me and bean were acting very shua-ku-ish. haha k i shall stop rattling away.
Saturday, May 24, 2003 09:31 a.m.sl[i]p swe[3]t